Me, Myself and Ukyou
by Ron Hino
Summary: Let's face it, Ranma's got more problems anyone alive. What if it became too much for his sanity to handle? Inspired by the movie Me, Myself and Irene.
1. Chapter 1

Me, Myself and Ukyou  
By Ron Hino  
Chapter One  
  
Don't own Ranma, Didn't come up with Me, Myself and Irene either. This fic isn't very nice.   
  
That's called the economy-time disclaimer. ^_^  
  
  
  
  
Hi sugar, my name's Ukyou Kuonji, at least for a little while longer anyway. Oooh! I'm so excited!   
  
But I guess I'm getting way, way ahead of myself, probably ruining it for you by giving you hints of the ending, but really! Just who did you did you think was going to end up with Ranchan, huh? Kodachi the loon? Shampoo the slut? Or maybe you were warped enough to figure that violent untrusting tomboy Akane was Ranchan's perfect match? That wasn't love, it was abuse. If anything, I'd lay good money that all the times she hit him in the head are what caused all the problems that came in the last six months.   
  
Oh, but I'm getting ahead of myself again. I'll start off at the beginning. Well, not the beginning beginning; I'm sure you already know that part. I'll start where things started getting weird... well ok, weirder...  
  
  
  
It was Sunday evening when Ranchan came into my restaurant as a girl, which gave me a good idea about how his day had gone, not that his miserable expression didn't make it obvious. He always comes here when he needs to talk, which like I said, should clue you in about who he was going to marry. I mean, if a guy can't confide in his wife, who can he with? Ever since I gave up on that stupid revenge thing, Ranchan and me have always trusted each other. It's the cornerstone of our relationship.   
  
"Geez, Ranchan, you look like you've had a fun weekend." I said sarcastically, as I started whipping up a Ranchan Special (that's three extra large specials, in case you were wondering. Ranchan burns a lot of calories training all the time). "Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
"Not really." He mumbled. I know this really means 'I may not want to, but I sure as hell need to'. Take a lesson girls.   
  
"Come on, you'll feel better if you talk about it, and who better to tell than me?"  
  
Ranchan sighed as he sat down. "Well, okay." See? Told ya. "My mom dropped by the dojo on Saturday."  
  
This kinda surprised me. "I thought she was dead?"  
  
Ranchan nodded. "I sorta thought so too. Actually I didn't ever think to ask. Pop took me on the training trip when I was a baby, so I'd kinda forgot about ever having a mom. It just never occurred to me to ask, right?"  
  
I frowned. My mother died when I was small, and I can't honestly say I remember exactly what she was like, but I think about her all the time. "How can you forget you had a mother?"  
  
"Well, Pop never said a word about her, and we were always running around training. Out of sight; out of mind, I guess. Anyway, she's very much alive, but she agreed to let Pop take me on the training journey 'cause he said that I'd get soft if she kept mothering me."  
  
That made me mad. "What kinda stupid excuse is that? Are all guys who have mother's wusses? Of course not! You were a baby! She was *supposed* to mother you then!"   
  
"Can't say I disagree, but there's not much point in arguing about it now. Anyway, she went along with it, and you don't even what to know what Pop had to do to convince her he'd raise me right."  
  
"But you're going to tell me anyway, aren't you?"  
  
"Natch. I tell you everything." I had to smile at that. "The moron wrote up a contract saying that if he didn't raise me to be a 'man-among-men', then he and I would both commit seppuku."  
  
I think I just stared at him for a minute. "Ranchan, your father is the biggest imbecile on the planet."  
  
"Got that right." He snorted.   
  
"At least you didn't turn out to be a worm like him. You're a pretty macho guy, Ranchan?"  
  
He raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And just how 'manly' do I look right now?"  
  
That hadn't even occurred to me. Ranchan got his curse before I even came to Nerima, and I didn't see it until after I decided I wanted to marry him, and in the year or so I'd been here, I just got used to it. But what would I think if I'd just met him today? I formed a rather elegant response.  
  
"Shit!"  
  
"Yeah, that about sums it up. Me and Pop had to pretend to be 'Ranko Tendou' and her pet panda. I guess it's good that I tell you now, in case you run into Mom later. You can't call me 'Ranma' in my girl form around her, otherwise I'm gonna end up on my knees with a knife in my hand."  
  
"You don't really think your own mother would do that to you, do you? I mean... she's your *mother*!"   
  
Ranma sighed. "I don't think I can afford to test that. Mom's real traditional, and she carries the contract and the family katana around with her wherever she goes, just in case she finds us and has to use it."   
  
"Are you sure she just isn't into kenjitsu or something like that?"  
  
"Not a chance. She pulled it out to show us and fumbled it. It landed point first right between my legs. Kinda ironic when you think about it. The only cut she's ever practiced with that thing is the beheading stroke."  
  
I just shook my head in horror. "I can't believe any real mother would do something like that, over something so small. It's just a curse. It's not like you wear bras and panties and date guys or anything."  
  
"'Course not! On the other hand, in certain conditions, by some very literal measures, I *am* a girl."   
  
I shook my head. "It takes a lot more to make you a girl than a pair of nice tits and some interior plumbing, Ranchan. You're a guy, and don't ever let anyone else tell you otherwise. I'll clobber them if they do." Did I just say he had nice tits? I didn't mean that the way you might think. I think of Ranchan as a man. End of story. But his breasts are better than mine. Not just because they're bigger, but years of binding mine down have apparently had an effect on them. They're kinda flat-looking, at least to me, so I guess you could say I admire his girl form's breasts. Hmm... I think it's probably best that I never mention that to him. He might get the wrong idea and think I want him to take a cold shower before our wedding night. I may not mind his curse but I'm not like that!   
  
He gave me a handsome smile. I happen to think it's a handsome smile even when it's in the middle of a pretty girl's face, but that's Ranchan for you. "Thanks Ucchan. That means a lot to me." His face fell again as he thought about his mother.   
  
"It's just not fair! I haven't seen my mother in a decade and a half! I've never known what it's like to have a mother, and now I've gotta hide from her and call her 'Auntie Saotome'! I hate this curse! I hate it!"   
  
I could see he was on the verge of breaking down, almost in tears. Curse or no, Ranchan is very manly, and for him to cry means that things are really bad. Not that I think guys should never cry, but it's hard for me to watch such a strong man (that I love) go to pieces like this. Keeping priorities, I grabbed a kettle and walked around the bar to poor it on him, banishing his hated curse, if only until the next time. Then I hugged him.   
  
"Shh, Ranchan. It's okay." I said, stroking his hair. I was glad no customers had shown up yet. After a moment of hesitation, he put his head on my chest and let it all out. It occurred to me after a minute that I had his face pressed into my boobs, which was an interesting step in the right direction, not that now was anytime to press that sort of thing.   
  
I guess he had the same thought about it being a bit weird to be in my chest that way, because he pulled back and wiped his eyes. "Sorry Ucchan. Guys shouldn't cry."  
  
"That's bullshit! Guys need to cry too sometimes. It's even healthy! Well... I guess it doesn't look so good in public, but you can always come here if you need to cry, Ranchan. I'll never tell a soul."  
  
He gave me that smile again. "Thanks Ucchan. You're the best friend I ever had."  
  
I sighed as he hugged me again. He was using the F-word with me again. Someday I'm really going to have to get him to watch his language.   
  
Now at just this moment, when Ranma and I a sharing something private and personal (not to mention that since he's sitting and I'm standing, his face is in my chest again) who do you think walks in the door? Let me rephrase that: who is the worse possible person who could walk in on something like that?  
  
You guessed it: Akane.  
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing, you pervert!"  
  
Ranma spun around in guilty surprise. "A-Akane! It's not what it looks like! I swear!"  
  
Well actually, it was exactly what it would look like to any reasonable person, but Akane's got her own warped sense of perception. She whipped out the hammer and proceeded to make Ranma one with the floor.  
  
This did not exactly make me happy, and not just because I was going to have to get the flooring replaced.   
  
"How dare you do that to my fiancé!" I yelled.   
  
"Oh, I'm so sorry to interrupt your little private moment." She snapped sarcastically.   
  
"You should be sorry! If you weren't such a nasty bitch, he wouldn't have to come here to get some compassion!" Not that I wanted him going to her to cheer him up, but that didn't change the fact that she didn't treat him right.   
  
"How dare you!" Right. How dare anyone suggest that she isn't miss perfect and that the reason she and Ranma don't get along might not be entirely his fault. What *was* I thinking?  
  
"How dare YOU! Get the hell out my restaurant you violent little dyke!" I didn't really think Akane was a lesbian; I know three girls who are lesbians, and they're really nice people. In fact, were I to go by just that, then I'm *certain* Akane's not a lesbian, seeing how she's a total bitch.   
  
"Why you... At least I dress like a girl! You're probably better at attracting girls than guys, so who's the real dyke here?"  
  
Trust the bitch to aim below the belt. It was time to do my arguing with my battle spatula. I couldn't think of anyone more deserving of getting some sense beat into them than Akane Tendou.   
  
Unfortunately, Ranchan's chivalry came into play at the least appropriate moment. He got between us and took the blow meant for Akane's head.   
  
"Calm down Ucchan, she didn't mean that."  
  
Like hell she didn't. I like to think he was more worried about the flak I might catch for beating the shit out of her than protecting Akane's fool head, but realistically speaking, I know Ranchan hates to see a girl get hurt, regardless of whether or not she deserves it. Did I mention his chivalry can be annoying at times?  
  
Since he was making pretty obvious that he wasn't going to step aside and allow me to freely distribute justice, I set my spatula down and glared at the bitch. "Akane, consider yourself officially no longer welcome at my restaurant. I won't serve you, and if you show up here again I'll have you arrested for trespassing."   
  
That kinda threw Ranchan. "Geez Ukyou, isn't that a bit much?"  
  
"I don't think so sugar."  
  
Akane just snarled at me. "You just want to have Ranma all to yourself!"  
  
"That would be nice," I admitted, "but I wouldn't ban someone from my restaurant just for that. I only ban people who would only be coming here to attack undeserving people and damage the place." I said coldly, pointing at my floor.  
  
Now you would think that a person with even the smallest trace of responsibility might entertain, even briefly, the thought that being told something like that so bluntly might mean there was something wrong with their own behavior. Unfortunately responsibility comes to Akane about as easily as cooking.   
  
"Fine! See if I care! You want to hang out with trash, Ranma? See if I care! Go ahead and marry the crossdresser if that's what you want!" And she stomped out in a huff.   
  
"You know," I said dryly, "I'd hold her to that if I thought she was the least bit sincere."  
  
Ranchan just groaned. "Oh man! I'm afraid to go home!"  
  
I turned to him, unable to resist the opportunity. "If you want, you can stay here tonight." The look on his face told me he was ready for what that might have implied. Come to think of it, I wasn't sure I was either, so I quickly followed up with "I've got a spare room you can use. We don't have to sleep together." I used the right intonation to tell him I meant 'together' as in within the same room, as opposed to 'sleep together', but I'm not certain he picked up on it. To be perfectly honest with myself, I might not have minded if he took it the other way.  
  
"Thanks Ucchan, but that would only make it worse when I went home in the morning. If I leave now, at least I won't have the rest of the family on my case. Mr. Tendo is damn scary when he gets mad."  
  
I sighed. "Okay Ranchan. Good luck. That rooms always available if you need somewhere to crash." And I'm always available too, but I wasn't sure I should say that aloud.   
  
"You're a real pal Ucchan. See you later, and thanks for the food."  
  
He didn't even get a chance to eat it. Oh well, I could eat it myself. It's always a good idea to eat before the dinner rush shows up. You have no time then. Oh yeah, and he used the P-word. I like that even less than the F-word.   
  
"Come back soon!" I said, sounding a bit too pleading for my taste. I say that to customers all the time; you'd think I could keep my voice level.   
  
I remember thinking, after he left, that Ranchan really had way more problems on his plate than his sanity could handle for long. Three fiancées who all want him (whether the bitch would admit it or not) plus Kodachi the loon. Kunou was after his girl side (that *really* had to freak him out). Kunou, Mousse and Ryouga all hated his guts for things that weren't his fault. Nabiki having fun at his expense (literally sometimes). Let's not forget the bitch he lives with making him suffer constantly, yet still excepting him to treat her like a loyal fiancée. Sometimes I think Kodachi's not the only one around here who's nuts, or wants to own Ranma like property.   
  
And now, to top it off, he has to hide in fear of his very life from his long-lost mother. Ranchan's on his way to an ulcer for sure. I'll know for sure as soon as he stops ordering spicy from my grill.   
  
I had to sigh. So much to worry about! Doesn't he know that I'd take care of him forever if he were mine? I don't really know what more I can do to make it clear to him, short of acting like that tramp Shampoo (and I might consider it if I didn't see plainly just how well that worked for her).   
  
My own longing for him aside, Ranma's life was more stressful than a vacation in hell. Something had to give, and soon. As it turned out, I was wrong about the ulcer, but all Ranma's problems did eventually do him considerable harm in a way I'd never have expected. All the injustices against him were about to be revenged, and though much deserved, even I had to admit it was more than a little scary.  
  
***  
  
It was really all about pressure. You overfill a balloon and it pops. You overheat a pressure-cooker and it explodes. The pressure Ranchan was under was building higher and higher, and it never seemed to ease off.   
  
The first time was when Ranchan was walking to school the next morning. He was trying to get Akane to calm down, she still being pissed at him because I banned her from the restaurant. I think he subconsciously knew he was close to his own limits, and was trying to help himself out by defusing things. He should have known to leave well enough alone.  
  
"Come on Akane, it's not that bad. I'll talk to Ukyou later when she calms down. I'm sure I can get her to lift the ban."  
  
"And why should I care? It's not like I want to hang around that crossdresser anyway!"  
  
Ranma winced. "I wish you'd stop calling her that."  
  
"Why not! It's true, isn't it? I can't believe she called ME a dyke! She's probably only interested in your girl side anyway!"  
  
It would have been nice if he would have taken this moment to defend my honor, but he had his fool mind set on pacifying the little bitch. I only found out about this conversation much later. I usually open the restaurant for a couple of hours before school to get the breakfast crowd, so I tend to arrive a few minutes behind them.   
  
"You know she's not. Why can't you two try to be friends?"  
  
"Shut up Ranma! I'm not speaking to you!"  
  
About this time, they'd arrived at the gates. Kunou was waiting for them.  
  
"Foul fiend Saotome! Not only do you force your lecherous attentions on Akane Tendou and the Pig-tailed-girl, but now my noble ears have heard of your molesting of the Okonomiyaki seller up the street! Have you not the slightest concept of decency you lothario?" And so saying, he began his attack.  
  
This was strike one.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about Kunou?" Ranma shouted.   
  
"Why bother denying it, Ranma? I saw you pawing at her with my own eyes!" Akane snapped, only escalating the problem with Kunou.  
  
"I WAS NOT! You should get your eyes checked, you half-blind tomboy!" Ranma snapped back.   
  
"Fiend! How dare you insult the fair Akane Tendou? Fall!" Kunou's attack was about as effective as usual, despite his enthusiasm. Ranma leapt over his thrust and landed hard on Kunou's head, knocking him unconscious and likely damaging brain cells that Kunou can ill afford to lose.   
  
"How'd he find out about that anyway?" Ranma scowled, turning to Akane. "Not that it happened the way he said."  
  
"Must have been Nabiki." Akane said, unconcerned. "After I got home last night I was so mad I told her and Kasumi what a pervert you were being."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
This was strike two.  
  
Unfortunately there were enough students around to have gotten the gist of Kunou's accusations, and the gossip began to buzz. Many variations were involved, ranging from him outright raping me to me offering myself to him naked save for being covered in okonomiyaki sauce for him to lick off (hmm... maybe an idea for our honeymoon). Naturally, there was not a single person to offer forth the opinion that maybe it was all an innocent misunderstanding, or that Ranchan would never do something like that. Everyone was perfectly happy to assume the worst of him, and Nabiki was soon in the middle offering to sell the 'inside scoop', as though what she had to say was any more accurate.  
  
This was strike three.  
  
This is the scene that I arrived upon. I was immediately surrounded by a dozen girls offering condolences (from those following the 'rape' theories) and asking what it was like (from those following the 'consensual' theories). I was totally confused, and still trying to figure out what they were talking about ("What do you mean, 'was the sauce sticky'?) when Akane got offended at the gossiping people who started construing that Ranma had dumped her. Naturally, instead of confronting the people making the wild accusations, she took it out on Ranma, who was just standing still at this point and twitching in anger.   
  
"Ranma! How dare you embarrass me like this!" She yelled as she brought out the mallet.   
  
Unfortunately for Akane, there was no strike four in Ranma's book. Something inside him finally went 'snap'.   
  
The mallet that usually impacted with Ranma's skull met with his fist in mid-swing instead, splintering into pieces.   
  
If she was shocked that he wasn't going to just stand there and take it, or even run away like usual, the furious glare he sent her way stopped her cold. He'd gotten angry with her before, lots of times, but he had NEVER looked at her like that!  
  
"Embarrass you? Embarrass *you*? Are you completely insane? This whole fiasco is your doing! You barged in on me and Ukyou, took one look, and immediately got the wrong idea! You think *you're* embarrassed by all these sick rumors about me that *you* started? Grow up you little brat! I've *absolutely* had it with you. You pull that mallet on me one more time and I'll break your motherfucking arms!"   
  
Akane's jaw was somewhere around her knees, and so was everybody else's in the entire yard, including mine.   
  
Something was very, very different about Ranma, and all the rules had just changed, but never let Akane be accused of being particularly observant, or able to take a hint. As soon as the shock began to ebb, she started to shake with rage.  
  
"You... you... Ranma! How dare you threaten me like that! You haven't got the guts to-" And that was as far as she got. Ranma put a stop to her ranting by slapping her. This was not a little love-tap slap we're talking about here. This was an any-harder-and-her-neck-would-be-broken slap, and it knocked her completely off her feet.   
  
Ranma turned on his heel and marched into the school without even glancing back once. It was probably lucky for Kunou that he was still unconscious. If he had seen that blow he would have been all over Ranma, and in his current state of mind, Ranma probably would have seen fit to leave the Kunou clan without a male heir.   
  
If I wasn't so shocked that I could use my jaw for something other than polishing my shoes, I probably would have said something along the lines of 'about time she got what she deserved', but as I mentioned earlier on, this was kinda scary. Just how serious was Ranma about this 'breaking Akane's arms' thing? Don't get me wrong, I hate the bitch, but I really didn't want to see that happen to her. I wasn't too hot on the idea of Ranma going to jail either.   
  
Now Akane didn't get up right away. In point of fact, Ranma's blow had made her so dizzy she had to struggle to keep conscious until it passed. When she could sit up again, there was this blank look somewhere between shock and horror. As the reality of what happened slowly began to sink in, she started to cry. Instantly her friends were by her side, asking her if she was all right and expressing disbelief at what a bastard Ranma was.   
  
Now *that* got me moving again. No wonder Akane was so immature and irresponsible! Every time life sent her a sharp learning curve her friends all babied her and kept telling her it wasn't her fault. I can't say I agreed with the way Ranma had done it, but he had finally stood up to her bullying. There was no way I was going to let Akane's little airhead friends blame him for finally giving her a much needed reminder that he was a human being with feelings too. I walked up and approached the group.  
  
"Akane, I'm not going to say I think he was right to hit you, at least not that hard, but even you have to admit you had that coming for a long time now. You made this whole mess this morning all by yourself, just because you saw him and me alone together in my restaurant and jumped to conclusions and assumed the worst of him like you always do. You never trusted him Akane, not once. And you've been bullying him since the day he arrived on your doorstep. You've done a lot worse to him, a great many more times, than he just did to you now. You've hurt him one too many times, and he's had enough. If you remember even one thing about this, remember this: it's *your* fault, and no one else's, no matter what lies your friends are willing to tell you to get you to stop crying."   
  
It was a pretty good speech, if I do say so myself, and even if Akane ignored the whole thing, it at least got her friends to stop and think about what they had been saying to her. They were pretty quiet, at least until I left for class.   
  
When I found Ranma, he was hunched over his desk with his eyes closed. At first I thought he was upset, but the soft snores told me he was asleep. How he could just take a nap after such a dramatic morning was beyond me, even if he did this a lot in the mornings. I decided not to wake him, but I knew I was going to have to have a talk with him later. I sat down in my seat a few rows back and to the right of him and just waited for class to start.   
  
I needed the time to try and sort out just what I was going to say to him. "Congratulations! Good job!" seemed a bit much. On the other hand, I certainly wasn't going to scold him for finally sticking up for himself. Truth to tell, I wasn't exactly unsympathetic to Akane's feelings either. She just had her whole world turned upside down, and had a hard lesson about real life literally beaten into her. Her whole frame of reference was shattered, and I was worried about what the picture was going to look like when she eventually put the pieces back together. Just in case you were wondering, I've never really studied psychology, unless you want to consider bartenders to be unlicensed therapists, which isn't too far off if you think about it. Those of us behind the counter get to hear about a lot of problems and life stories, and we're not too shabby at dishing out good advice either. Not to mention, a few beers or an order of okonomiyaki is a much cheaper fee than what professional shrinks charge you for their advice.  
  
But enough about me and my hobbies. It was only a couple minutes until the start of class when Akane and her friends came in. Her face was swelling up pretty badly, and her face was stained with tears. She really should have gone to the nurse's office instead of coming to class. I was going to quietly get up and tell her so, but I didn't get the chance.   
  
That many footsteps coming in must have clued in Ranma's subconscious that class was about to start. I guess it's sort of like those businessmen who can fall asleep on the train and wake up before their stop; ingrained behavior. At any rate, Ranma woke up and saw Akane.   
  
"Geez Akane! What the hell happened to your face?"  
  
The thoroughly miserable Akane gave him a look of hurt betrayal that even made me wince. What the hell was he doing? He'd made his point; he didn't have to rub salt in her wounds by mocking her too.   
  
Akane's face slowly broke, and she burst into tears again. She dashed out of the classroom sobbing. Ranma stared after her with a look of worried confusion on his face.  
  
"What did I say?"   
  
At this point, I was starting to wish I had a mallet-making talent like Akane, or at least that I didn't check my weapons in my locker on the way to class (the teachers had become kinda insistent on that once they realized they weren't merely cooking implements). Not having those options, I marched up to talk to him.   
  
"Ranma! What are you doing? I mean, the slap she had coming, but why are you doing this to her now?" I realized later that I even forgot to call him 'Ranchan'.  
  
He blinked at me. "Slap? What slap?"  
  
I frowned at him (and I wasn't the only one in the class doing so) but before I could press for answers, Miss Hinako walked in and wanted to start the class, so I had to go sit down.   
  
When she got to Akane's name in the roll call, obviously no one answered. "Where's Tendou-kun?"  
  
A student by the window pointed outside, saying. "She ran home."  
  
Hinako-sensei blinked and zipped over to the window, where she could apparently see Akane running out the gates. "Why that naughty girl! How dare she skip my class!"  
  
I felt the need to speak up in her defense. "Um... Hinako-sensei? I think she's actually going to see Doctor Tofu. She got... well... a bad bruise on her face and probably didn't want to risk it leaving a permanent mark."   
  
Hinako blinked. "Oh, okay. We'll just call that 'medical leave' then, as long as she comes back after seeing the Doctor." I winced. Somehow I doubted Akane's be returning today. "How'd she hurt her face anyway?"   
  
The whole room was silent, not a one dared answer. The odd thing was that Ranma had perked up curiously at the question, as though he wanted to know the answer too. Weird. Since no one else was talking, I decided to speak up again.  
  
"She tripped and fell on the front step, Sensei." No sense getting Ranma in trouble with the school, I figured. He was going to be in enough when he got home. I wondered if I should go with him for support, but I decided to reserve that judgement until I could figure out why he was pretending ignorance about the whole thing. Soon as the next break hit, we were really going to have to talk.  
  
***  
  
Talking with Ranma didn't get any answers, only more questions. He honestly didn't remember what happened in front of the school. Ranma has a very honest and open face, and it's easy to tell what he's thinking. That's why he's such a lousy poker player. Lying is the one skill Genma didn't pass on to his son, or at least not the ability to do so credibly. He really didn't remember, which was really really weird. Come to think of it, his hitting her and talking like that was pretty weird in the first place.   
  
I didn't tell him what he did, and he wasn't quite able to put the blank spot and Akane's face together (on rare occasions, it's good that Ranma's not all that bright). I suppose after our talk, he figured that Akane had somehow hurt her face during those few minutes this morning that he couldn't remember, but the idea that he had done it never occurred to him.   
  
I decided that before I took him home, I'd better take him to Dr. Tofu's first. As soon as class was over, he and I went straight there.  
  
Dr. Tofu frowned at Ranma the minute he saw him, which answered my question of whether or not Akane had dropped by to get her face looked at.   
  
"Hold on a minute, Doc." I said before he could open his mouth. "It's not Ranchan's fault."  
  
"I don't care what his reasons were. He had no right to do that." He said coldly.   
  
Ranma just looked confused and a bit hurt.   
  
"I don't think Ranchan was in his right mind at the time, Doctor. You have to admit, it doesn't sound at all like something he would do, does it. Add to that the fact that he can't even remember doing it... well I think all is not what it seems. Could you examine him to make sure?"  
  
"Doing what? What did I do?" Ranma asked worriedly.   
  
Dr. Tofu looked skeptical, so I decided now would be a good time to break the news to Ranma.   
  
"Ranchan, you remember that huge bruise on Akane's face this morning?"  
  
"Yeah? You still haven't told me how she got that." He asked warily.   
  
I just sighed and pointed at him.   
  
"Huh? You mean I did..." he trailed off as I began nodding sadly. "No... No Way! Aww God no! I would never do anything like that! Did you see the size of that bruise? Do you even know how hard you have to hit someone to leave a bruise that bad?" He was babbling now, but I answered anyway.  
  
"Hard enough to knock her right off her feet. That was you, Ranchan." I said quietly.   
  
Ranma was most definitely freaking out now. "No no no no no no no! I don't even hit her when we spar! There's gotta be some mistake!"  
  
I think Tofu finally believed me. He came up and took Ranma by the shoulders. "Calm down Ranma. Let's take a look at you and see if I can't figure out what happened. Here, sit on the bed." He said, pointing to the examination table.   
  
Ranma still looked scared, but he obeyed the doctor and answered all his questions as best he could.  
  
  
Once the examination was over, the doctor confessed he could find little wrong with Ranma physically. His formidable skull remained uncracked and unconcussed.   
  
"... Which can only mean your problem is more likely psychological, which I have to say is not my specialty. I may have to refer you to a specialist to fix this. Tell me Ranma, do you have problems with stress?"  
  
"Me? Nah. I can handle anything."  
  
"Are you kidding Ranchan? You've got enough problems to have multiple ulcers by now." I had to put in. Normally, I would keep anything Ranma told be in confidence private, but this was Ranma's doctor and he was most definitely not well.  
  
"I see. I'm going to consult with some friends of mine in the psychiatry profession. Until then, all I can recommend to you Ranma is that you take it easy and try to relax."  
  
"Fat chance of that." I said. "The minute he gets home he's going have the whole house all over him for giving Akane that bruise."  
  
Ranma put his head in his hands and groaned.  
  
"Hmm. Perhaps it would be best if I came with you to explain things." Dr. Tofu suggested.  
  
"And maybe you should go in by yourself while we wait inside." I suggested.   
  
"A very good idea." Tofu nodded.   
  
I thought for a minute. "And, if you want to avoid the wrath of the Tendou's altogether, you can stay with me until things blow over. I've still got that spare room for you if you want it."  
  
"Thanks Ucchan," he sighed, "but you don't have to do that."  
  
"Ranchan! I'm your fiancée... and your friend. I'm going to help you get through this!" Damn. Now I was using the F-word. Oh well. Ranma really needed both right now.   
  
"Let's keep that option open." Dr. Tofu suggested. "But let's test the waters at the Tendou place first."  
  
"Alright." I said, and looked at Ranma. He reluctantly nodded.   
  
***  
  
Dr. Tofu had been the family doctor of the Tendou's for many years so he wasn't completely surprised at what he saw.   
  
Soun was pacing back and forth in tears, alternating between sobbing and going into a small 'demon head' while making dire threats of what he was going to do to Ranma when the 'coward' finally crawled home. Genma was sitting with arms folded and scowling at the ground, muttering questions about where he had gone wrong with the boy. Nabiki was sitting at the table staring out the engawa with a look of cold fury on her face, no doubt plotting much more feasible methods of revenge that she could bring to bear on Ranma for harming her little sister. Kasumi was trying to calm her father down, but even she had a very distressed look on her face. Kasumi... Kasumi...  
  
Er... best to keep his mind on the matters at hand. This was serious business here.   
  
"Ahem!" Tofu cleared his throat and announced himself. Soun was immediately grabbing him by the gi and shifted into full sob-mode.  
  
"Oh Doctor! Is my dear Akane going to be alright?"  
  
"Of course, Mr. Tendou. It's just a bad bruise, and if she uses the ointment I prescribed her, there won't even be a mark."  
  
Kasumi looked up at him and blessed him with a heavenly smile of gratitude. "Oh thank you Dr. Tofu."  
  
"Ah... er... nothing to it. Now, we have serious matters to discuss, namely Ranma."  
  
Soun's tears shut off immediately as he performed a full demon-head. "That little beast will pay for what he did to my little girl!" He snarled.   
  
Tofu sweated a little under the psychological attack. "It wasn't Ranma who did it."  
  
That, at least, got everybody's attention.   
  
"What do you mean, Doctor?" Kasumi asked.  
  
"Yeah." Nabiki frowned. "I was there watching the whole thing. It was Ranma who did it, and he threatened to break her arms too."  
  
Tofu raised his hands before Soun could go into his demon-head attack again. "Everybody calm down. Obviously, it was Ranma, yet at the same time, it wasn't. Allow me to explain." He waited until everyone was sitting down and he had their complete attention.   
  
"Now then," he readjusted his glasses, "from what I've been able to determine by examining Ranma, his very unusual behavior this morning was a result of massive amounts of accumulated stress overwhelming him. To put it another way, he temporarily snapped his mind. A few minutes later, he returned to normal, and he can't even remember doing what he did in front of the school. I'm going to talk with my collogues in the psychiatry field, but at first glance it seems to be a sort of split personality."  
  
"Like Jeckle and Hyde?" Nabiki asked.   
  
"Something like that. Now it's important to remember that the law recognizes that a person with this type of disorder is not responsible for the actions of the other personality, unless they intentionally avoid treatment. I think you need to adopt the same attitude. The person presently waiting outside the gate is not the same one who threatened and struck Akane this morning. In point of fact, he's horrified that it happened and rather terrified of the ramifications of having this alternate personality going around hurting people."  
  
"Oh, poor Ranma!" Kasumi sighed.   
  
"Poor *Ranma*? What about Akane?" Nabiki snapped.   
  
"What happened to Akane is unfortunate, but blaming Ranma for it is not going to help. In point of fact, it would only make things worse." Tofu said calmly. "I believe this condition was brought about by excessive stress. Blaming him for something he can't even remember doing could trigger the other personality to resurface again. I've prescribed him a temporary treatment of rest and relaxation until a more complete diagnosis can be done by someone qualified. Once his exact problem is identified, then medication can likely be prescribed to prevent his alter ego from taking control.   
"Until then, he absolutely *must* keep his stress level down. As is already obvious, someone as powerful as Ranma can be extremely dangerous if he cannot control his anger. No confrontations, no aggravations, and no accusations. Basically: stay off his back."  
  
"We understand, Doctor." Kasumi said, and she did; though Tofu wasn't as sure about the others. "We'll do our best to keep him comfortable and calm."   
  
"I suppose I can hold off on revenge until he gets better." Nabiki grumbled.  
  
"Hmm, yes." Soun agreed, frowning.  
  
WHAM! Dr. Tofu's palm impacted with the table, causing everyone in the room to jump.  
  
"Absolutely not!" He snapped. "Ranma's condition has come about because his life is too complicated, with too many aggravations and frustrations! All the fiancées that pull him in different directions! All the challengers who blame him for things that aren't his fault! Every belittling, humiliating and yes, cruel thing that had been done to him by those around him had created this situation! I'm not just saying to grant him a temporary reprieve. I'm saying that all this has to stop, once and for all! You people are quite literally driving Ranma insane!" Tofu bellowed. He gave a hard stare at everyone around the table.   
  
They were all looking at him with very wide eyes. They had *never* seen the good doctor lose his temper like this, and it went a long way to impressing them with the seriousness of this situation.   
  
Kasumi looked rather hurt. "All of us, Doctor? Have we really all been doing that to him? Even me?"  
  
Guilt assailed the good doctor. "Well to be perfectly honest, Kasumi, I can't think of anything you personally could have done to contribute to Ranma's condition. For the next little while though, it would help if you showed him a little extra compassion and consideration. I think he has very few people in his life who truly care about his feelings, or at least that's his perception. You could be a great help in that area."  
  
Kasumi smiled, both in relief to discover she was not at fault, and because she knew that she could be of help. "I'll do that Doctor."  
  
Tofu turned his gaze to the others. "The rest of you though, are guilty as sin. Like I've said, for the short term, you need to just back off. For the long term though, you need to stop giving him more problems and start helping him solve the ones he has. You Nabiki, would be remarkably good at that, I think."  
  
She looked uncomfortable. "Me? Why me?"  
  
Tofu smirked. "First, because you're very clever, and second, because you gave him a lot of his problems in the first place, so it stands to reason that you can undo your own work."  
  
Her eyes darted about evasively. "I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
Tofu gave her a look that would not have been out of place on a stern father (but she and her sisters had no idea what that looked like). "Don't think you can pull one over on me, young lady. I treated your first diaper rash."  
  
Nabiki flushed. "Hey!"  
  
Tofu grinned. "You never wondered who your godfather was?"  
  
Nabiki's eyes went wide. She looked at her father, who nodded. "You're kidding me?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
Nabiki frowned in thought. "Wait, you aren't Kasumi's godfather, are you?"  
  
Tofu shook his head. "I didn't take over my practice until about a year before you were born. Apparently I was such a help during your mother's pregnancy that she felt I had almost as much an invested interest in you as your parents did. I believe Genma is Akane's Godfather, which should tell you about how long ago they were planning this 'joining of the schools' business."   
  
Nabiki files all this away for future reference. She looked at Genma and frowned. "You better not suddenly die on us, Daddy, or Akane is not going to be happy with you."  
  
"Hey!" Genma snapped indignantly. "What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"I think we all know what a stellar parent you are, Mr. Saotome." Nabiki said dryly.  
  
Tofu brought this to a halt, as Nabiki was dodging his question. "So Nabiki, will you?"  
  
"Will I what?"  
  
"Will you try to dig Ranma out of some of the messes you've gotten him into?"  
  
Nabiki had that evasive 'why are you trying to make me feel guilty' look on her face again. "I suppose I could try." She muttered.  
  
Tofu nodded. "Good. Now where's Akane? She's a major contributor too."  
  
Kasumi looked apologetic. "After she came home, she just went to her room to cry." She hesitated. "I could get her if you want."  
  
Dr. Tofu put up a hand, feeling chagrined. "No, that's not necessary. I forgot that Ranma's not the only one stressed out today. Just make sure you bring her up to speed before she and Ranma see each other again. Her temper could easily tip the balance at this point."  
  
Kasumi nodded. "Of course Dr. Tofu."   
  
The doctor slapped his knee and stood. "Well, I better get back to the clinic. I've got a lot of phone calls to make. I'll send Ranma in on my way out."   
  
Kasumi stood as well to see the Doctor out, and since his mind was no longer focused on the serious business of his visit...  
  
Soun turned to his friend. "So what do you make of this, Saotome."  
  
Genma scowled at the table. "What a weakling I've raised! A one little hectic day and he goes all to pieces!"  
  
Nabiki sighed. In one ear and out the other. This wasn't going to be pretty.  
  
  
Ranma and I had taken a seat against the outer wall as they waited for Dr. Tofu's return. we stood abruptly when the gate opened.   
  
"So... Um... Doc, how'd it go?" Ranma asked hesitantly. The doctor had a big grin on his face, so that was encouraging.  
  
The grinning Tofu walked straight up and clasped me by the shoulders. "Don't worry Ranma, I've explained everything! Mr. Panda's not even mad about the bruise you gave Nabiki."  
  
"Huh?" I gawked, having not had the pleasure of seeing the good doctor go into one of his 'Kasumi Bliss' trances as of yet.   
  
Ranma just smacked his forehead. "Oh no! He saw Kasumi and flipped out again. Who knows what the hell he told them?"  
  
"What do you mean?" I asked him, and Ranma explained about Dr. Tofu's little crush on Kasumi.   
  
"So how do we snap him out of it?" I asked  
  
"I dunno. It usually wears off after while, unless he sets eye on her again or someone mentions her name."  
  
If Ranma's situation had not been so serious, I might have found the whole thing funny, but Ranma's very sanity was depending on this man here who was presently examining Ranma's face, and saying "Your bruise is healing quite well Akane. I can hardly see any sign of it anymore."   
  
I grabbed the doctor by his gi with one hand and began slapping him back and forth across the face until he caught my wrist.   
  
"That will do, I think." He said, not especially impressed.  
  
"Sorry Doc," Ranma said in my defense, "You kinda got... distracted."  
  
He blinked at Ranma. "Oh... right. Sorry."  
  
"So how did it go inside?" I demanded.  
  
"Fairly well actually. I managed to keep control of myself until it was time for me to go. It should be okay to go in now. I'm really sorry about a minute ago. It's just that Kasumi is so... Kasumi... eheh... eheheh... whihihihihi!" Tofu began giggling madly and wandering down the street in the general direction of his clinic. I was about to smack him again but Ranma stopped me.  
  
"Ah, let him enjoy himself, Ucchan. He's done all he's had to do for the next little while."  
  
I sighed. "I guess so, but it's hard to believe we have to depend on that nut."  
  
"Hey!" Ranma frowned. "Don't talk like that. When Kasumi isn't around, he's the most brilliant Doctor in Tokyo. I couldn't be in better hands... though timing is important." He grudgingly admitted. "When Kasumi comes by to visit him, all the smart patients clear out."  
  
"Okay, I'll give him a chance." I said. To be honest, I'd heard of Dr. Tofu's excellent reputation myself, and had been keeping him in mind in case I ever came down with something. I also didn't want to get into an argument with Ranma, especially since we had to watch his stress level. I had utterly no desire to be slapped today. "Shall we go in?"  
  
Ranma looked worried. "Yeah..."  
  
I clapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, quit worrying! The Doctor said it was ok, right?"  
  
Ranma nodded, gaining confidence. "Yeah. Alright, let's go."   
  
  
Kasumi waited in the foyer for Ranma to return. Compassion and consideration; that's what Dr. Tofu said. Well, she could certainly spare a little of both for Ranma. She'd help him in any way she could, and hopefully, he'd be better soon. Compassion and consideration... Consideration and compassion...  
  
  
Ranma found Kasumi smiling at him when he came through the door. "Uh... I'm home." He said nervously.   
  
Kasumi looked at his worried face and sensed how vulnerable he was at the moment. She stepped toward him and embraced him. "Welcome home, Ranma." She said with much emotion, meaning every word and letting it show.  
  
I admit I was surprised. I somehow doubted she greeted him this way every day (and if she did, then he and I needed to talk). Ranma wasn't moving or saying anything in response. I walked around to see him staring straight ahead like a deer caught in the headlights.  
  
"Um... Kasumi? Maybe you should let him go. I think you're making him a bit... nervous."  
  
Kasumi immediately pulled back and held Ranma by the shoulders examining his expression with concern. "Oh no! You don't think I've aggravated his condition, do you?"  
  
I had to chuckle. "I doubt it, Kasumi. From my limited understanding, it's the less friendly kind of stress Ranchan's got too much of. People antagonizing him, accusing him, belittling him and making him feel worthless and small. Those are the kind of things we need to keep away from him. You just sort of... embarrassed him."   
  
"Oh dear. Really Ranma?"  
  
He reluctantly nodded. "Well... a little bit."  
  
"I'm so sorry. I just wanted you to know I care about you, even if I never said as much before." She said sweetly.   
  
"Well thanks. I... Oh no!" He groaned, putting a hand over his eyes.  
  
"What is it Ranma?" Kasumi asked with concern.   
  
"Don't tell me, my engagement to Akane is off, and now I'm engaged to you, right? No wonder you're greeting me like this!"  
  
I looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Well Kasumi? Is it true? Do I have to consider you competition now?"  
  
Kasumi giggled. "Oh no, Ukyou. I don't think of Ranma that way. He's sort of like... a little brother. Yes, very much a little brother to me, and I love him that way, very much." She said as she gave Ranma another hug. This time, knowing the reasons and being a little better prepared, he hesitantly hugged her back.   
  
"Heh! You know, I don't think I'd mind having a big sister." He said after a minute.   
  
A smirked at the two. "Well this is all very sweet, but I have to confess that I'm a little jealous. I don't suppose I could get some of that?" I mean, really! The only time I ever got to hug Ranma was when he was absolutely miserable, and that had only happened the once recently since we were kids.  
  
"Of course Ukyou." Kasumi said, breaking her hug with Ranma, and coming over to embrace *me*. "I'm quite fond of you too."  
  
I would have given a lot to see my own face at that moment, because judging by the way that Ranma was cracking up, it must have been priceless.   
  
"Uh... this isn't exactly what I had in mind." I muttered.   
  
"I know," she whispered in my ear, "but that" and she inclined her head slightly toward the laughing Ranma, "was what *I* had in mind."  
  
I decided seeing Ranma laugh was worth hugging her back. "You're smarter than people give you credit for." I whispered to her.  
  
"You should never judge solely by appearances." She said coyly, before letting me go.   
  
I grinned and turned to Ranma. "Okay laughing boy, I hate to burst your bubble, but it's time to talk to everybody else."  
  
That sobered him up a little, but he grinned again. "Okay, but if Nabiki hugs me, I'm assuming you've all been replaced by pods and running for my life."  
  
"Fair enough." Kasumi smiled.   
  
"Should I leave?" I asked Kasumi. "I mean, if Akane's back to her old self, if she sees me next to Ranma, she'll immediately get jealous and Ranma's stress level goes up another five notches."  
  
Kasumi thought about it. "Akane's been in her room... thinking... for the whole afternoon. I don't know that she'll come down tonight even for dinner, so it should be all right. Just to be safe though, you might want to not sit too close to each other at the table... and no holding hands."  
  
Ranma turned Red. "Kasumi! We don't... I mean... we're not...uh... like that."  
  
Jerk. "Who says we're not?" I pouted. "We *are* engaged, you know."  
  
"Ukyou..." Kasumi said in a mild warning tone.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Now is not the best time to be putting pressure on Ranma like that. Using a bit of guilt to get a man to pay more attention to you is alright most of the time, but we really need to try extra hard not to upset Ranma right now, at least until he starts taking his medication to control his other personality."  
  
That hadn't even occurred to me. Sure I wasn't one of the major causes of this stress like Akane, Nabiki and Genma, but even I, who loved him dearly, could make things hard on him too sometimes. It was a sobering thought.   
  
"You're right. I'm sorry Ranchan."  
  
"Don't worry about it." He said easily.  
  
With no more words, the trio entered the living room.   
  
"Um... I'm back." Ranma said nervously. Normally, he would never be this hesitant or shy, he would just waltz right in with a casual greeting to these people as he went about his own business. Today was not normal however, today was the day he had effectively beaten on Akane, reduced her to tears for an entire day, and injured her face just short of the point where she might be permanently disfigured. These people he walked by everyday would now be entirely within their rights to throw him out on the street, despite both the doctor's and Kasumi's assurances that all would be well.   
  
Soun frowned darkly at Ranma. "Yes... I can see that." Genma was sitting on the engawa, shaking his head in disbelief even as he hung it in his hands in shame. Nabiki was giving him a carefully guarded look, not really damning or forgiving, just one that told of not trusting him enough to turn her back to him for even a moment.   
  
"Father..." Kasumi said in a warning tone. Soun sighed and relaxed, looking more weary than angry. "Yes, well. your doctor has ordered you rest and relaxation, so why don't you take a long hot bath and go to be early?"  
  
Ranma blinked. Well that was... civil, at least. "I'll do that, Mr. Tendou."   
  
Kasumi wasn't done yet. She marched over to Genma and stood over him with arms folded, waiting.   
  
Genma too sighed, and when he turned his face showed a more grudging disapproval that Ranma had seen many times before, as opposed to the outright shame and disappointment that had surely decorated his features a moment ago.   
  
"Alright boy, thanks to your doctor's orders, I suppose your training is on hold for now. I won't wake you up tomorrow, so set your alarm. I'd recommend you do some light calisthenics each day just to keep your blood flowing and your circulation healthy to aid healing."  
  
Ranma blinked. "I don't think it's that kind of... illness Pop, but I'll take your advice anyway, if only to keep my body in good condition."  
  
Genma grunted an agreement, then turned back to the open air of the engawa and looked up at the stars.   
  
Last Kasumi sat down at the table opposite Nabiki and leaned her chin on her hands. Her stare was not harsh, or mean, or any kind of a scowl, but it somehow subtly ate away at Nabiki's nerves as though her gaze was of acid.   
  
"All right already! Let me think for a while to come up with some ideas, alright?"  
  
"What's she talking about, Kasumi?"  
  
Kasumi smiled beatifically at her younger sister. "Nabiki has agreed to put her considerable talents to the purpose of undoing the many complications in your life that she has personally had a hand in to make money."  
  
Ranma blinked. "You mean she's gonna fix up all the crap she put me through?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Ranma turned to Nabiki, who was either thinking very deeply or sulking mightily, it was difficult to tell the difference. "Really, Nabiki?"  
  
Now she whirled and almost snapped at him. "Yes, really! But this is really going to cost you--"  
  
"Ahem." Kasumi cleared her throat.   
  
"I mean... I'll give you the family discount."  
  
"Ahem!"   
  
Nabiki looked like she was trying very hard to keep that phony smile on her face, and it wasn't working. Slowly, as though trying not to vomit mid-word, she mumbled the following sentence.   
  
"I will... perform this service, completely f-f-fr-fr-free of ch-ch-charge!" Nabiki was twitching and shaking with barely restrained... mortification.   
  
"Mmmmm!" Kasumi hummed a pleased sound.  
  
As Ranma went upstairs shaking his head in wonder (and after bidding me a goodbye. I just wanted to come in and make sure all was right and good for Ranma's recovery) and Kasumi returned to her kitchen, Nabiki began to mutter under her breath. "But I swear, Saotome, as soon as you get better, you are going to suffer like-  
  
"AH-HEM!!!"   
  
"I mean I'll clean you up and help you stay clean." Nabiki muttered, letting her forehead slam into the tabletop with considerable force.   
  
"And let all ye know, terrible true be the wrath of Kasumi Tendou." She whispered.  
  
"That's nothing! You should see when I'm really mad!" Kasumi called cheerfully from the kitchen.   
  
Nabiki 'eeped'. The muttering before maybe, if she was only just around the corner, but how in the hell did she hear that whisper from the kitchen???  
  
***  
  
So, sugar, that was the first day of Ranchan's schizophrenia, and it only got worse after that. Still, I'm glad he managed to sort things out, but there had to be an easier way to go about it than he did. Now I've to jet, I've got a fitting at 2:30 for my wedding gown. We'll talk again soon, and I'll catch you up some more about what's been going on.   
  
Come back soon!  
  
  
End chapter 1  
  
================================================================================  
Notes:  
  
Man, it's hard to write in the first person when you're not used to it. I kept slipping back into third person without realizing it. If you notice any spots where it's really obvious let me know and I'll try to fix it.   
  
So, next time on MM&U:  
-What's Akane's reaction going to be when she hears about Ranma's little problem?  
-Can Ukyou and Kasumi really keep Ranma's insane life at bay until he can get help? (Oh come on! What would be the point of the story if they could?)  
-Who will be the next to feel the wrath of Ranma's dark side?  
  
C&C to little old me, at hinoron@hotmail.com 


	2. Chapter 2

Me, Myself and Ukyou  
Chapter two  
  
  
A quick note from the REAL author before I let Ukyou take over: For the sake of my own sanity, I'm going to try to limit the first-person narrative to the scenes in which Ukyou is actually present. Other scenes will be in my more-familiar third-person narrative.   
  
  
  
  
Oh hi! Well? How do I look in my wedding Kimono? You know, when I imagined my wedding day, I always saw myself in a western-style wedding dress. I'm not sure why; I guess I'm just not that traditional.   
  
Yes yes, I'm sure we ALL remember the pretending-to-be-a-boy phase. Thank you SO much for bringing that up two days before my frigging wedding! Actually, when I'm not wearing extremely uncomfortable wedding kimonos (it's like a Goddamn oven in here!) I still dress in guy's clothes, but it's only a fashion statement these days, not a disguise. I let my hair loose all the time now, and I stopped binding down my breasts, for which Ranma is most appreciative!  
  
Hey! HEY! Don't go making inappropriate assumptions now! I didn't mean it like that! I'm a virgin, you hear me? Even if we did do a little bit of... Ack! Did I say that aloud? Don't you dare say anything, especially to Nadoka-Okaasan! She's already wondering what sort of wife wears pants all the time. She didn't approve of me at first you know, and there was this really ugly scene between her and Ranchan... maybe I'll tell you about that later, but for now, just promise me you'll keep quiet about what I just let slip!  
  
Good.  
  
Now I won't have to kill you.  
  
On the other side of the wedding hall (so to speak), Ranchan's family is pretty traditional, especially his mother. I don't think Nadoka-okaachan ever imagined her son wearing anything but a groom's yukata to his wedding, not that I mind in the least. I snuck a peak at him a few minutes ago. God is he handsome!  
  
Anyway, yeah, the Japanese-style wedding was a bit of a surprise. Shinto weddings are so much more expensive than Western ones. My family does well, but we've always lived pretty humbly. I only found out recently that one of the more significant reasons we didn't have a bigger TV or a nice car in the driveway, was that Dad has been putting aside a goodly amount of money for many years so that his only daughter could have the wedding of her dreams. Ha! Guess the sweet old guy never really wished he'd had a son after all. Tee hee. That old softy... gotta love him.   
  
Looks like he's going to get his secret wish after all. This is gonna be a great wedding! Guest list is a bit shorter than I'd like though. I suppose I can't blame them, after all that happened. Ranchan and me made a lot of friends in our first year in Nerima. Well... maybe not "friends" exactly, but people friendly enough that would have come to our wedding before things got ugly.   
  
The Tendous don't speak to us; except of course for Kasumi, who loves the both of us dearly, just like she does everybody she's ever met or hasn't. I really wish her father would let her come. The Kunou's hate us too; and the feeling is mutual, I should add. Never even *sent* them invitations and they still made a point of telling us they refused to come. Talk about arrogant! The whole cadre of Chinese Amazons went back to China after the whole fiasco with them finally blew over (I've seen Mousse pissed off before, but the foaming at the mouth was new) and they haven't kept in touch. We felt bad about the way things ended with them, but at the same time, there wasn't a one of them we really wanted to invite, so we didn't.   
  
Ryouga... actually, I think Ryouga eventually forgave Ranchan, and we did send him an invitation (to his house, to the Tendou dojo, to that girl Akari's, and anywhere else we thought he might reasonably expected to stumble across. I was going to send one to Antarctica, but I wasn't sure what the postal code was). Forgiven or not, we don't really expect to see him, more do to 'navigational' reasons than his possibly still holding a grudge. Wouldn't it be funny if he wandered right into the wedding at the last minute?  
  
Huh? Why do all of them hate us so much (give or take a couple)? Oh, that's right! I had to leave off telling you the rest of the story. Well, the dress rehearsal doesn't actually get started for another hour, so I can tell you some more. Where did I leave off?  
  
Oh right. Ranchan snapped, walloped Akane, and only Kasumi and Dr. Tofu managed to keep the rest of the family from ripping into him for it. Good thing too; Ranma was totally overstressed. If Kasumi'd let Mr. Tendou and Nabiki chew him out (which might not have been just an expression in Mr. Tendou's case; I've seen him do that Demon Head thing. Big teeth.) his dark half might take him over and make things even worse.   
  
Actually, I don't like thinking of that second persona as his "dark half". That person is Ranchan too. It's the part of him that was fed up with being abused, insulted and taken advantage of. The only problem is *that* Ranma wasn't limited by honor or morals, and set about getting some payback in ways that Ranchan would never of dared. Still, that doesn't make the second persona *evil*.   
  
Unfortunately, I seemed to be the only one who thought so, including poor Ranchan, who was tearing himself up inside over what he'd done to Akane. I was a little shocked when I saw it happen, but I didn't really think it was quite worth the big deal everyone was making of it. So he slapped her! She deserved it! Okay, maybe that *was* the hardest slap I've ever seen anyone give anybody, leaving the left side of Akane's face swollen up for a little more than a week... and maybe threatening to break her arms if she tried to brain him again was a bit overboard... BUT need I remind you that Akane has done worse to him on both accounts, and more than once?   
  
Maybe the part that scared everybody was that, unlike Akane, Ranchan was more than capable of carrying his threats out. Fine. I can see that, but it didn't make what she did to him all the time ok. Not by a long shot.  
  
***  
  
Next morning Ranma came down the stairs silently, avoiding seeing Akane. Kasumi had assured him that she had talked to Akane last night and explained the whole split-personality thing, as well as the need to keep Ranma from being antagonized, lest his other self take over again.   
  
This didn't mean Ranma felt particularly safe around her yet, for many reasons, not the least of which was for her own safety. Another, more deeply felt reason was that he couldn't bear to look at her swollen face, and know that it was his own hand that had hurt her so.  
  
His efforts were for naught, as Akane came down to breakfast just as he was making his slow and stealthy way down. She stopped at the top of the stairs when she saw him. Filled with dread, he slowly turned around to face her.   
  
"Akane... I'm sorry." He said miserably.  
  
"Don't Ranma. Don't apologize." She said in a remarkably quiet voice.  
  
"Huh? Why not?"  
  
"You've finally shown me your true feelings. I'm sorry things didn't work out, but don't make it worse by faking an apology. Now I know exactly what you think of me. You proved it beyond a doubt yesterday. Our engagement is... is over." She said, her voice trembling.   
  
"But that was-"  
  
"Oh please! You don't really expect me to buy that multiple personality disorder nonsense you had Kasumi feed me last night. I'm not stupid!"   
  
"But it's-" He pleaded. It didn't seem to help.  
  
"SHUT UP RANMA! JUST SHUT UP! YOU'VE MADE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR WHAT YOU THINK OF ME AND MY FEELINGS! LEAVE ME ALONE! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN!" She screamed, and then bolted back into her room in tears.   
  
Ranma stood at the bottom of the stairs in shock for several minutes. He never even noticed that Kasumi had arrived behind him at the first moment Akane raised her voice.  
  
"She doesn't believe me..." he whispered to himself in shock. "Even when Kasumi tells her the truth, she doesn't believe me. She never believes me. She never trusts me. She actually thinks I would do something like that. I can't believe her!"   
  
As one line of thought led to another, Ranma slid slowly from shock and hurt into outrage. His other self was crawling up from the depths to avenge this latest and final insult to every aspect of Ranma's character he prided himself in. Another catastrophe that would put yesterday morning's to shame was imminent.   
  
Then, soft warm arms wrapped themselves around his neck. Surprised, he made no resistance as he was gently turned about. Those warm, comforting, and most importantly, forgiving arms encircled him and lay his head on her shoulder.   
  
As his head cleared, Ranma was shocked and horrified to realize exactly how close he had come to turning. Brought to the edge and brought back, he knew without a doubt that he had almost lost control. And with that sick feeling in the pit of his stomach gnawing at him, he wrapped his arms around Kasumi's waist and sobbed into her shoulder. Kasumi softly comforted him with words as she stroked his hair.   
  
This was what it felt like, Ranma was certain. This was what it felt like to have a mother.   
  
Genma came down the hall to ask what was keeping breakfast, only to find his son sobbing in Kasumi's arms. He was furious! All his hard work and sacrifice (er... occasional hard word and maybe one or two small sacrifices) to make Ranma into the man-among-men that would make his parents proud (particularly the one holding the katana), and here was his farce of a son crying like a baby! He was all set to spin Ranma around and lay into him for being so weak when he chance to look into Kasumi's eyes...  
  
All the blood drained out of Genma Saotome's face and he backed up rapidly. He almost tripped when he hit the doorframe as he scurried back to the breakfast table, shuddering. A mother bear wanting to know why you were setting her cubs on fire for kicks would have looked friendlier and more forgiving than Kasumi had at just that moment. Genma had never seen anything more frightening! Not Nadoka angry, not the Master infuriated, NOTHING could compare to the way Kasumi had glared at him just now!   
  
Soun looked up from his paper at his pale, shuddering friend. "Problem Saotome?"   
  
Woodenly, Genma shook his head. "N-n-n-no. Not a thing, Tendou."   
  
Soun stared at him for a minute, then shrugged and resumed reading his paper.   
  
Glancing back towards the hallway, Genma then proceeded to demonstrate that Ranma's predisposition to putting his foot in is mouth was hereditary.   
  
"Whoever marries Kasumi, I feel sorry for him." He muttered.   
  
Soun ripped his paper in half as he performed a raging Demon Head Attack on his best friend.  
  
"AND WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY **THAT**, SAOTOME!?!?!"  
  
His nerves already shaken, Genma did the sensible thing and feinted.  
  
***  
  
Breakfast was quiet. Ranma seemed to get the hint that Akane wasn't coming down until he left, so he ate quickly and left without her at the same time as Nabiki.   
  
The middle Tendou daughter, for her part, was undecided as to what to do. She'd already agreed to help Ranma out a bit, but on the other hand, her schemes were what kept rice on the table, and Ranma made for a great source of income. What to do... what to do...  
  
Kasumi's blackmail-through-guilt promise meant that she couldn't start up her latest plan to generate money at the expense of Ranma's dignity. On the other hand, she'd already taken and developed a new batch of pictures of the buxom redhead that were sure to sell. She'd taken them before agreeing to lay off Ranma, so that was okay, right?  
  
Nabiki would have made a talented lawyer. Unfortunately, she would have made a lousy therapist.  
  
***  
  
I'd made a point to get to school early, so I was waiting for Ranchan near the gate when he arrived. Since he was early too, Kunou wasn't out waiting for him yet. This turned out to be a good thing as the idiot had heard rumors about Ranchan slapping Akane. The vengeance of heaven is slow but... impotent. At any rate, Kunou didn't get a hold of Ranchan until a couple days later, which was just as well.   
  
Akane and Ranma didn't look or speak to each other at any time during class. I saw Ranma glance at her once and turn away looking grumpy.   
  
Grumpy was good. It was a hell of a lot safer these days than furious.   
  
I stuck to Ranchan like glue at lunch, taking him somewhere out of the way to eat our lunches. He could tell I was worried about him, but he didn't want to talk about it just then. I figured it was probably best not to push him, so we ate in relative silence. Comfortable silence, mind you, but silence.  
  
After school wasn't so good. It would have been fine if Ranchan would've been content to just walk home happily with his cute fiancée (me) on his arm, but he made the mistake of glancing to his right on the way out.   
  
A small crowd of boys were gathered around Nabiki, who was holding up photos for display. From the occasional nervous glance they guys would give Ranchan, it was pretty obvious who was the model in those racy snapshots.   
  
I felt Ranchan begin to twitch violently.   
  
"Hey... Hey! Calm down Ranchan!" I said in a bit of a panic. "Don't let it bother you! What goes around comes around. She'll regret it someday. So don't let it get to you."  
  
The twitching stopped rather abruptly, and Ranchan turned back to face me. He smiled. "You know Ucchan, I bet you're right about that. Be shame to ruin a nice day on her account, wouldn't it?"  
  
I smiled myself, in relief. "Damn right, Ranchan. She's not worth your trouble."   
  
He just grinned at me and we left the school together. He even put an arm around my shoulder. Naturally I was thrilled he was finally starting to treat me more like a fiancée, even with something so minor as an arm. I knew Ranchan was kinda shy around girls, so little steps forward like this were worth more than they might seem to other people.   
  
If I'd been less occupied being giddy like some love-struck schoolgirl (then again, I WAS as schoolgirl and I WAS in love...) I might have noticed that Ranchan wasn't really looking at me, but just staring off in thought. I might also have noticed a disturbing similarity between the grin on Ranchan's face and the one Nabiki wore when she collected on a debt.   
  
But I didn't, and when I left Ranchan at the Tendou's, I thought everything was fine.   
  
***  
  
Two people in the Tendou house had two very different mornings.   
  
One girl awoke with her typical reluctance and staggered downstairs to brush her teeth before breakfast. Being conscious only by the most literal definition of the word, she didn't notice until much later in the day that her camera was sitting on her desk, as opposed to in the drawer where she'd left it. Having missed that, there was no way she could catch the fact that it was currently empty. She made a habit of always keeping it loaded (one never knew just when the redhead in residence might take a swim in the koi pond and have to wring out her shirt). There was also an empty spot on her bookshelf.  
  
One boy woke to instant alertness (pandas attacking you in your sleep each morning will do that) with a nasty smirk on his face. He immediately noted that an old scroll of his father's describing Shiatsu pressure points was lying open on the floor in his simple room. He quickly rerolled it and put it away in its proper place before the panda would wake and notice its absence. Still grinning, he picked up a very thick envelope for a 24-hour photo developer's and tucked it into his schoolbag for later. With a cheerful spring in his step, he went downstairs for breakfast.  
  
Ranma was remarkably cheerful this morning, sparing not even a guilty glance at the battered and morose Akane. Kasumi took his good mood as a sign of his recovery, and happily gave it no more thought. Nabiki gave him a wary look, but made no comment. Whatever he was up to, she'd find out eventually. Deep thought was something she reserved for later in the mornings. Soun had eyes only for his paper, while Genma only for his food. Thus, no one thought to ask Ranma the cause of his good cheer.   
  
Ranma wolfed down his breakfast even faster than usual, plopped his bowl down and thanked Kasumi for the delicious meal.   
  
"You're welcome Ranma-kun. I'm glad you enjoyed it." Kasumi beamed, pleasantly surprised at the compliment.  
  
"I'm surprised you can even taste it, eating so fast." Nabiki smirked.   
  
"Nabiki!" Kasumi said in a disapproving tone.   
  
Ranma chuckled. "Oh let her be, Kasumi. If Nabiki wants to be snide and mean-spirited, that's her choice. She'll regret it someday. What goes around comes around, after all."  
  
Kasumi blinked. "That's very mature of you Ranma-kun."  
  
"Yeah..." Nabiki muttered, frowning suspiciously.   
  
"Why thank you Kasumi." Ranma beamed at her. "I'm going to head off to school."  
  
"Now? It's not even 8:00 yet." Nabiki said, frowning deeper.   
  
"I thought I'd get there early for once. Be nice not to have to hold buckets for a change."  
  
With that, Ranma picked up his school bag and practically skipped out the door.   
  
Nabiki counted off on her fingers. "He was polite, shrugged off a mild insult, and is leaving early for school. Something's definitely up." She turned to Akane. "You think this is another one of his multiple personalities?"  
  
Akane glared at her sister. "Don't you try to feed my that bull too! You know he's just using that as an excuse!"   
  
Nabiki blinked. "Um... Akane? Dr. Tofu examined him and gave his honest, considered opinion that Ranma's developed another, nastier personality that takes over his body at times. If you want to believe Ranma's lying about that, fine, but how do you think he managed to get the doctor, who took an oath never to lie about a patient's condition, to go along with it? Dr. Tofu came all the way to the house to tell us himself."  
  
Akane frowned in confusion, trying to sort things out in her head so that Dr. Tofu could be telling the truth and Ranma would be lying, while still saying the exact same thing.   
  
Nabiki shook her head and left her sister to deduce without logic. "Whatever. I've got to get dressed and head to school. Ranma's up to something, I'm sure of it."   
  
"Remember not to antagonize him, Nabiki." Kasumi warned.   
  
"Yeah yeah." She muttered as she dashed upstairs. Dressing quickly, she went to grab her little red notebook and found it not on her shelf. Assuming she'd just forgot to take it out of her bag last night, she didn't give it another thought as she dashed back downstairs and out the door.  
  
  
Now, like I said, I've been making a point to get to school extra early these days to keep an eye on Ranchan, but he beat me here today. He was standing near the gate grinning at a crowd of boys yammering excitedly around the notice board.   
  
"What's going on Ranchan?" I asked him.  
  
"Karma." He chuckled.   
  
"What's that mean?"  
  
"You'll find out in a minute. She'll be here soon."  
  
"Huh? Her who?"  
  
Ranchan didn't answer. A minute later, a panting Nabiki dashed through the gates. She looked at Ranchan, and then at the noisy, laughing crowed of guys at the notice board.   
  
"What's with them?" She asked Ranchan.  
  
Ranma shrugged calmly. "Just some interesting photographs someone posted up."  
  
"Interesting how?" She asked with a suspicious frown.  
  
Ranchan looked thoughtful. "Well, interesting to some, anyway. I don't see the draw myself. By the way, how long have you had that mark on your hip, the one about the size of a 1 yen coin?"  
  
Nabiki was frowning curiously at the crowd. "It's a birthmark you dolt. I've had it all my..." She trailed off and slowly turned to look at him with an utterly horrified look on her face. Ranchan just grinned in response as she screamed and bolted for the notice board. I followed her out of curiosity.   
  
As I found out in very short order (for a non-martial artist, the way Nabiki knocked the boys aside to get to the board was quite impressive) the birthmark in question was right between her hip bone and her pubic hair. It was usually underneath her panties, so not even the girls in the change room wouldn't have known about it. Well... before today anyway.   
  
The notice board had a big banner across the top that read 'Furinkan's Ice Queen Exposed', and exposed she was. The photos were all of Nabiki Tendou on her bed, asleep, and in a variety of utterly nude poses. At least they were tasteful (in as much as nude photos could be tasteful); Nabiki's legs were closed in each shot.   
  
Nabiki screamed and clawed at the locked glass window covering the board. The shatterproof glass and lock resisted her efforts. She threw her back against the glass, trying to block as many photos as possible, and barely managing to obstruct all of them. The boys were laughing at her futile attempts. They were LAUGHING at her! Laughing at HER!   
  
Saotome was going to die!  
  
Looking around frantically for some solution, her eyes trailed past the smirking Ranma to the gates, where a familiar figure was just wandering by, likely in search of the Tendou Dojo.  
  
"RYOUGA!" Nabiki screamed at the top of her lungs.  
  
The lost boy turned and looked at her. She waved him closer, then realized she'd exposed more of the photos by doing so and hastily slapped her hand back down, much to the amusement of her new male admirers.   
  
Keeping her carefully in his line of sight, Ryouga jogged over to her. "Nabiki? What are you doing in-"  
  
"Nerima, Hibiki! We're in Nerima! This is Furinkan High School!" Nabiki snapped.   
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes really! Now I need you to do me a favour." Nabiki snapped again. She was understandably not in her most patient of moods.   
  
He looked at her warily. "Does this favour involve my wallet in any way?"  
  
Nabiki bit back a sharp reply. "Not today. I need you to smash this notice board." Shatterproof glass was not the same as Hibikiproof.   
  
He frowned. "But it's school property."  
  
She looked at him like he'd grown another head. "Since when do you care about property damages?"  
  
He shrugged. "If I'm aiming at Ranma and miss, it's not my fault. That doesn't mean I think it's okay to just go around smashing things."  
  
Nabiki was growing frustrated. "I'll pay for it, okay? Now just shut up and do it!"  
  
Ryouga was a bit taken aback at her rudeness. He turned to leave. "Forget it. I don't owe you any favors." He grumbled.  
  
"Wait! Please wait!" Nabiki pleaded, and you could tell just by looking at her how much she hated the idea of groveling like this. "I'm sorry Ryouga. I'm really in trouble here. I really need your help. You wouldn't want to leave Akane's sister in dire straits, now would you?"  
  
Ryouga stopped and turned. "I suppose not. Why do you want me to smash that thing anyway?"  
  
Nabiki bit her lip. As she was debating what to tell him. One of the guys from the crowd stepped toward Ryouga with a grin on his face, intent on enlightening him.  
  
"You say one word Kenji and all your debts are due yesterday!" Nabiki snarled. The boy grumbled and backed off. Nabiki turned back to Ryouga. "There's some... embarrassing pictures in here that I need to take out, but I can't get the lock open. Please help me out here."  
  
Ryouga sighed and shrugged off his pack. "Oh, alright." He stepped up to Nabiki and cocked a fist back.   
  
He waited.   
  
"Uh, Nabiki? I can't exactly smash this thing with you standing in the way." He said dryly.  
  
Nabiki winced. "Oh... right." Reluctantly, she stepped aside.   
  
Ryouga nodded. "Much better." Then he turned his attention to the notice board.  
  
It was a mistake.  
  
The boy stronger than a mountain plummeted backward in a fountain of blood, felled by a mighty opponent known as the 8' by 10' glossy.   
  
"Oh for..." Nabiki groaned, then quickly resumed her protective position in front of the board.   
  
Ranma, who had come a bit closer to watch how things went, fell over laughing, and even I couldn't help but giggle at the pathetic figure Ryouga had cut. He's a nice guy and all, but it was still funny. As for Nabiki, I considered this fair payback for what she always did to Ranchan.  
  
Nabiki glared darkly at the laughing Ranma. "Are you just going to sit there and laugh at me Saotome?"  
  
Ranma got control of himself and stood up, wiping a tear. "Oh no, Nabiki. Not by a long shot." He walked back over to a tree and produced a megaphone.   
  
"Gentlemen! How did you like my little sample on the board?"  
  
Resounding cheers answered for him.   
  
"Little sample!" Nabiki yelled angrily. "It looks like you gave them the whole thing!"  
  
Ranma grinned, and called back with the megaphone. "Don't be silly, Nabiki. The whole thing is right here." He said, holding up a spread of photos. "Come one, come all! See the infamous Ice Queen of Furinkan *spread* *WIDE* for your viewing pleasure! It's the money shot folks! Come and get 'em while supplies last! I've only got a hundred or so. Multiple poses; trade and collect them all!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Nabiki wailed as she abandoned the board and charged Ranma. He of course, effortlessly leapt over her poorly executed flying tackle and landed on top of her. He sat himself down comfortably on her back, pinning her to the ground with his greater weight.   
  
I probably should have helped Nabiki out, girls sticking together and all that. Unfortunately two things were on my mind that prevented me from doing so, never mind the fact that Ranma was so much better than me that it wouldn't make much difference if I did. First, so far I hadn't done anything to harm Ranma (at least I hope I didn't) I wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of putting my name on his Payback List. Second, the last time Nabiki swindled me out of my profit margin was still fresh in my mind.   
  
So I was being petty. Sue me.  
  
Nabiki stopped squirming long enough to ask Ranma "Are those shots really me with my legs open? You're pulling my leg right? There's no way you've got the balls to-"   
  
Ranma put one of the pictures in front of her face.  
  
"Eep!" She squeaked, taking the picture in trembling hands. "W-w-what's that thing in my... my..."  
  
Ranma took the picture back and examined it. "Huh? Oh. It's your toothbrush. Why?"  
  
Nabiki answered by making spitting noises. Ranma waited for a minute to see if she had anything else to say and then waved the guys over.  
  
The boys rushed up to buy the photos. I recognized a grinning Hiroshi as the first. I don't keep track of such things of course, but I think he was into Nabiki for quite a bit, and she kept jacking up her interest rates the longer he owed, insuring that he could never get out of her debt.   
  
"How much Ranma?" he asked.  
  
Ranma, perched atop the squirming Nabiki, rubbed his chin in thought. "Hmm. Good question. How much does she charge for those topless photos of my girl form?"  
  
"3000 yen for a set of 5." Hiroshi answered immediately.   
  
Ranma frowned. "So, you're one of the guys that by 'em, huh? My own buddy Hiroshi?"  
  
Hiroshi looked remarkably awkward. "Um... well you see..." He wisely gave up trying to explain. He bowed. "I'm sorry Ranma."  
  
Ranma snorted. "Hmph! Well I guess I'll forgive ya. Got bigger fish to fry after all. You might as well keep the ones you got. There ain't gonna be no more of me. And you *are* going to let me know if someone very foolishly tries to sell more, aren't you guys?" Ranma asked with a warning frown.   
  
"Got it." Hiroshi gulped. The rest mumbled their agreement as well.   
  
Ranma smiled. "Good! That's settled then. 3000 yen for five, huh? Well I guess that tells me what sort of price to set for these pics right?" He made a show of tugging his lip in thought. "How's about... 10 yen a shot?"  
  
"WHAT?" Nabiki shrieked. "Only 10 yen!?!"   
  
"Well, Nabiki, you ain't nearly as good looking as my girl half. I gotta give these guys a fair price for what they're buying."  
  
"You call 10 yen fair?" She snapped.  
  
"You want them to go for 5?" He threatened. That shut her up. I remember wondering why she cared how little the pictures were selling for, but I never did understand Nabiki's twisted mind.   
  
Ranma began dealing. "That's right. There you go. Just drop the coins in the cup. What? You want two? All right but go to the end of the line and pick em up one by one. I don't want anybody having to go without here. And don't go away gentlemen, you wouldn't want to miss the next item I'm putting up for sale. Oh, hi Kunou! I'll give you one for free. Maybe it will inspire you to new romances. Enjoy! Next?"  
  
Eventually Ranma ran out of photos, and he reached over to his bookbag. "Ok gentlemen, now for the big ticket item! Unlike those photos with the unattractive model, this next item is actually worth something."  
  
Nabiki snorted angrily, causing Ranma to grin wider. He pulled out a small red notebook, like the kind you keep addresses in.  
  
"Feast your eyes ladies and gentlemen, on Nabiki Tendou's little red book."  
  
Nabiki turned completely pale. "No... He wouldn't. He would. RANMA SAOTOME DON'T YOU DARE!"   
  
"I'm feeling daring today." Ranma grinned.   
  
Hiroshi looked confused. "Hey Ranma, what's the deal with the red book? Is it her diary or something?"  
  
Ranma held it high. "Nothing so innocent, my friend. This book is where Nabiki keeps record of all the people who owe her money, and how much. I've had a look inside. There's way too many names for her to remember. You burn it and I figure about 75% of you get off Scott free."   
  
The crowd, now much larger, cheered.   
  
"So people, who wants to be the one to set this damn thing on fire? And how much are you willing to pay for the honor? Let's start the bidding at 5000 yen."   
  
"Ranma!" Nabiki snarled. "Are you insane? Where do you think the rice you eat comes from huh? This is how I keep my family fed! You sell that book and we all starve!"  
  
"Try getting a job. Honest work can be very rewarding." Ranma said wryly. "I hear 7000! Do I have 7500? 7500! Do I have 8000?"  
  
I'm going to get you for this Saotome! You're going to pay dearly for this!" Nabiki snarled.   
  
"Name one thing you can do to me that I can't do back to you ten times worse." Ranma countered. "I think today is a good example. 8500! Do I hear 9000?"  
  
As Nabiki broke down into sobs, the little red book finally sold for 255 000 yen: a veritable fortune. The crowd had divided up into groups and pooled their money. Ranma handed the winners a lighter, and they torched it. They danced gleefully around the flames like aboriginals around a bonfire.   
  
Ranma sat back on the thoroughly miserable Nabiki and whistled as he counted his money. You could buy a fairly decent previously owned car for that much.   
  
"Well, it's been fun Nabiki, but I've gotta go. Class is gonna start any second." He said as he stood up, tossing something into the dirt in front of her face. "Here's the key for the notice board. Though if I were you, I'd be more worried about the pictures I put up on the walls of your classroom. Those ones are superglued right on. Might be a while before anyone can manage to get those ones down. Bye now!" He chuckled cheerfully, marching off to class with a very satisfied smile.   
  
Now I don't like Nabiki, I've said that already, but even I was feeling sorry for her by this point, and maybe a little guilty for not trying to help her out before. I stood her up gently and picked up the key. She was a total wreck; sobbing, crying, and barely able to move under her own power.   
  
I unlocked the notice board and handed her the pictures. I kinda palmed one for myself, thinking I could show it to her the next time she thought she had me over a barrel; that would take the wind out of her sails pretty quick. I don't think she even noticed me slipping the one into my shirt. I led her to her classroom. At the door I handed her one of my throwing spatulas.   
  
"Here. You can probably scrape the pictures off the wall with this. Even if you can't, you can scratch them up so that they're not visible."   
  
She accepted the spatula with a nod and opened the door to her class. She winced as she saw that her whole class was already inside, all chatting and laughing at the pictures. Even the teacher was smirking at the photos. Nabiki's way of making money hadn't left her with many friends.   
  
There wasn't much I could do about that, so I left her to face the music herself.   
  
Back in my class, Ranma was still grinning and counting his money.   
  
"That was pretty awful, Ranma." I said. I made up my mind a while ago that I wasn't going to call *this* Ranma 'Ranchan'.   
  
He shrugged. "True, but can you say she didn't earn it? You'd have a hard time finding anyone at this school who doesn't think she had this coming."  
  
I had to agree with that. "How'd you get her in all those poses without her waking up?"  
  
"Saotome school of Anything Goes pressure point attacks. The sleepy spot will knock out an opponent for about 30 minutes, but if a person's already asleep, and has next to no adrenaline running through their system, it keeps them napping for hours."  
  
"I see." I said warily. "What are you going to do with all that money?"   
  
"Well, Nabiki did make one good point. I've ruined her family's income. So I'm gonna give 200 000 of it to Kasumi so they don't starve while Nabiki finds other ways to make money."   
  
"That's nice of you." I said, a bit surprised that this Ranma would do anything like that.  
  
"Kasumi's taken good care of me. No reason she should have to suffer for her sister's criminal behavior."   
  
That made a little more sense to me. This Ranma wasn't nice, but he had a strong belief in justice.   
  
Ranma put the money away and yawned. "I think I'll take a nap. Didn't get too much sleep last night." And with that he put his head down and went to sleep.   
  
I just shook my head, wondering where things were going with Ranma... and with Ranchan. I had a lot of time to think before lunch when he awoke. I managed to convince the teachers that waking Ranma wouldn't be in the best interests of their health today. Ranchan's reputation as a martial artist was well known to all the teachers, so they took my advice very seriously.   
  
Akane didn't show up for class. I found out later that she took one look at her sister's situation and ran home. Looks like I wasn't the only one who wasn't willing to risk getting on Ranma's bad side for Nabiki's sake. Nabiki sold pictures of her too.   
  
  
When he woke up (some internal clock telling him it was time to eat, I suspect) he was Ranchan again.   
  
"Oh hey Ucchan." He yawned. Then he blinked. "Why are we back in school?"  
  
"What's the last thing you remember?" I asked.  
  
"We were going home after school ended. I saw Nabiki selling pictures of me again." He said.  
  
"Ranma, stay calm!"  
  
He blinked at me. "I am calm. It's kinda weird, actually. For some reason I ain't mad at her anymore." He frowned in thought. "I didn't flip out again, did I?"  
  
"I'm afraid so, Sugar." I said sadly. "That was yesterday. Last night you apparently snuck into Nabiki's room and decided to return the favor." I showed him the picture."  
  
His eyes bugged out looking at it. I put the photo away. I wasn't too thrilled with the idea of my fiancée staring at pictures of other women naked. With the nasty Ranma it didn't bother me as much, but this Ranma was *my* Ranma.   
  
"Whoa... so I sold pictures of her for a change?"  
  
"That's putting it mildly, Sugar. You also auctioned off her book with all the people who owe her money in it. There's 255 000 yen in your bag from the sale."  
  
Ranma looked shocked. "That much?"  
  
I nodded. "You said you wanted to give 200 000 of it to Kasumi so that the Tendous don't starve while Nabiki covers her losses." Wouldn't do to have him forget that part.   
  
He still looked stunned, but he nodded. "Alright. That's fair."  
  
I looked at him seriously. "Ranchan, pictures even worse than this one are circulating all over the school. Now you've got Akane AND Nabiki against you. I really think you should move in with me, for your own safety if nothing else."  
  
He looked worried. "You really think it's gotten that bad?"  
  
I nodded. "Definitely. Even without counting how Mr. Tendou's gonna freak out, Nabiki's upset enough to try stabbing you in your sleep."  
  
He winced. "Yeesh! Maybe you're right."  
  
We stayed sitting at our desks as we started eating our lunches. Something occurred to me that I still feel bad about mentioning to this day, but it had to be said.  
  
"Ranchan..."  
  
"Mmm?" He asked with his mouth full.  
  
"Have I ever... done anything to hurt you, to make you mad at me?"  
  
"Huh?" He blinked in confusion. "Wait... you think I'm gonna... Aw geez Ucchan! I'd never do anything like that to you!" He insisted.  
  
"I know *you* wouldn't Ranchan. You're the nicest guy I know." I assured him, putting my hand over his, and for once he didn't try to pull away. "But I'm not perfect and there may have been something I did or still do that hurt or offended you, something that you didn't think was fair. I want to know what that might be. Please, take a minute and think about it." I insisted.   
  
He sat back and crossed his arms, focusing his admittedly rarely used brain back over the time he'd known me. I waited patiently.   
  
Finally, he looked up. "About the only thing I can think of is you attacking me when you first showed up in Nerima, and blaming me for what my Pop did to you when we were six. But that wasn't your fault, and I don't hold it against you. You forgave me right? So I forgave you for attacking me, and now we're... best friends. I don't think there's anything I'm still mad about with you, Ucchan."  
  
I smiled. "I'm glad. There shouldn't be any secrets or hidden grudges between two people as close as us. I really felt bad about attacking you back then, once I found out how things really were."  
  
Ranchan shrugged and grinned. "Like I said, water under the bridge."  
  
I paused to think. "Ranchan, just in case there's anything else you didn't want to tell me, or that you remember later, I want to say that I'm sorry. I never want to be the one to hurt you in any way, ever. I want you to know that and never doubt it."  
  
Ranchan looked depressed. "Right, so my other self don't attack you or nothing."  
  
I shook my head. "No Ranchan. That's not it. What I care about is how *you* feel about me. I don't ever want you to think I don't care about you or your feelings. This whole split personality business has just got me thinking, that I may have done something to you without thinking of your feelings, or because I get too caught up in what I want and forget about what you want." Oh please! Don't bring up the engagement, I pleaded with him silently. Don't let that be something only I want!  
  
"Ucchan..." He said, his eyes filled with emotion. He opened his mouth a few times to say something, but eventually he just gave up and smiled at me. That was answer enough to suit me, and I smiled back at him.   
  
We went back to eating our lunches. After a minute, Ranchan asked me.  
  
"So, what about you?"  
  
"What about me?"  
  
"I mean, is there anything I do that bugs you?"  
  
I laughed. "Oh, I don't think you have to worry about my inner frustrations taking me over and turning on you Ranchan." And what would they do if they did? Rape the poor boy I suspect. Somehow I can't see him fighting too hard to get away, but maybe that's just my ego talking.  
  
He waved that thought away. "Naw, I know that won't happen. It's just what you said before, about not wanting to have any secret grudges between friends. So I wanna know."   
  
I thought about it, then gave him a wry smirk. "Okay Ranchan. How's this? It ticks me off that you keep calling me your friend. I mean, I am that of course, but I'm supposed to be more. I'm your fiancée, and I'm in love with you, so every time you call me 'pal' or 'buddy', it's kinda like a blow to my femininity, you know? I may not dress like a girl, but I am one, and I'd like to be treated that way now and then."  
  
Ranchan looked honestly and truly surprised. I guess he really didn't know how I felt. I mean I knew he wasn't that observant, but I'd just assumed he knew. I thought back over the past year and I realized that I hadn't actually said 'I love you' even once. I guess I was just too embarrassed. Well, I was through with that! Not telling him how I feel was probably what let him keep thinking of me as a buddy.   
  
"Ucchan... I... I never knew you felt that way." He blushed and looked down at his lunch, and started eating it slowly. I could tell he was worried, and probably trying to see if I fit in his perspective as being in the same class of the rest of his fiancées. Time to nip that one in the bud.  
  
I leaned forward and grinned slyly at him. "So... now that you know, would you rather sleep in my bedroom than the spare room tonight?"  
  
Ranma spewed rice halfway across the room. I laughed until I fell out of my chair.   
  
"Hahahaha! Oh Ranchan, I was only kidding!"  
  
He coughed, trying to get a bit of rice he swallowed wrong out of his windpipe. "That was a joke?"  
  
I got up grinning and thumped him on the back, helping him dislodge the food from his throat. "Course it was! Who do you take me for, Shampoo? Sleeping in the same room's rushing things a bit, in my opinion. You're not the only one who gets shy and nervous, you know."  
  
He looked at me in surprise. "I'm not?"  
  
I squeezed his shoulder. "Of course not. I kinda like the idea of living with you, but I want to see how I feel about you sleeping in the room next to mine first before we go on to the next step. You don't mind, do you? You don't think I'm trying to keep you at arms length or something?"  
  
Ranma shook his head rapidly. "No no! I... I don't think I wanna sleep in your room either... I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that... just not quite yet. Like you said, it's kinda rushing things, isn't it?"  
  
I grinned at him. "Right." He smiled shyly back.   
  
Maybe this split personality thing was a blessing in disguise. This had been the most intimate conversation the two of us have ever had. On the other hand...  
  
I looked at him seriously. "Ranchan, if you're done eating, now might be a good time to get your stuff from the Tendou's. Once Nabiki gets home, things are gonna get ugly."  
  
Ranma nodded sadly. "You're probably right."  
  
"I also want to go talk to Dr. Tofu again. The first time you changed, you took a nap right after and switched back. This time you stayed as the other you for a whole evening and morning, even though you went to sleep in-between. He should know about this."  
  
Ranma nodded. "We'll go see him after I get my stuff."  
  
  
I wasn't exactly correct about the Tendou house being in ignorance. Akane had seen most of what happened, and wasted no time telling everyone else. Kasumi answered the door and immediately shuffled us outside, closing the door behind her.   
  
"Ranma-kun, are you yourself right now?"  
  
"Yes Kasumi, he is." I answered. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Akane came home and told father what your other self did to Nabiki. I don't think it's a good idea to come in just now."  
  
Ranma looked miserable. "I'm really sorry. Ucchan told me about it at lunch. I can't believe I did that."  
  
Kasumi put a hand on his shoulder to comfort him. "It's not your fault Ranma, but I really don't think you should go in."  
  
He nodded. "We thought so too. Ucchan's offered to let me stay at her place for a while."  
  
Kasumi pondered that. "Perhaps that would be best."  
  
"We came to pick up his stuff." I offered.   
  
Kasumi nodded. "I understand. Go into your room through the window and leave the same way. I'll wait until you're gone to tell them."  
  
Ranma offered a weak smile. "Thanks Kasumi-oneechan. You're the best."  
  
She smiled at him. "Take good care of yourself little brother." She hugged him. "I'll see you soon. If you ever want to talk to me, I go shopping at the market every day around 1:00. Just come find me and I'll come back to the Ucchan with you for a visit."  
  
"Thanks Kasumi-oneechan." Ranma said with heartfelt gratitude. I felt similarly towards her. If there was one good thing about living at the Tendou's, then Kasumi was it. I knew we could count on her help with Ranchan.   
  
She waited with me while Ranchan took to the roof to fetch his stuff.   
  
"Kasumi, can I ask you something?"  
  
"Certainly."  
  
"I think it's fairly safe to say, at this point, that the union of the Tendou and Saotome clans is a lost cause, at least with this generation."  
  
She nodded. "I'm afraid I have to agree."  
  
I twiddled my thumbs nervously as I continued. "Ranchan's living with me now, and I know this is getting way ahead of ourselves, and I'm not going to push him, especially now, but..."  
  
She smiled. "You want to know how I would feel about you marrying Ranma, right?"   
  
I nodded. "I'd be lying if I said what Akane thinks would bother me much, considering the way she treats him, but you're different. It sorta matters to me what your opinion of me is. I can't really say why."  
  
She smiled gently at me. "Ukyou, in my honest opinion, you are a far better match for Ranma than Akane would ever be. I can't say I like what that would do to our family's honor, but I want everyone to be happy. I don't think that would happen if Ranma were forced to marry Akane, especially with what's happened recently. You're a very nice girl Ukyou, and I hope you and Ranma can be happy together. If it's my blessing you're looking for, then I'll give it to you, so long as that's what Ranma wants too."  
  
I had to hug her. I couldn't help it. "Thank you... Oneechan."  
  
Kasumi returned my embrace and chuckled. "Goodness! My personal family just keeps growing and growing, doesn't it?"  
  
I laughed with her.   
  
Ranchan came back with his pack over his shoulder. "Okay, that's everything." After giving her the money and telling her what it was for, he bowed respectfully to Kasumi. "Thank you for your wonderful hospitality, Kasumi-oneechan."  
  
Kasumi politely bowed back, completing the small ritual. "You're welcome. Please feel free to visit us again anytime. Um... actually..." she looked embarrassed.  
  
Ranma laughed. "That's ok Oneechan. I understand what you mean. I'll see you again soon."  
  
"Goodbye little brother, and you too little sister." She smiled and waved as we left.   
  
Out in the street, Ranchan turned to me curiously. "'Little sister'?"  
  
I laughed. "It's hard not to love her like family, isn't it?"  
  
He laughed too. "I guess so."  
  
  
Dr. Tofu listened carefully to everything we told him.   
  
"I see. I think the other personality only stayed long enough to see his plan of revenge carried out. He couldn't leave you in control until that happened. This means that a night's sleep is no real cure."  
  
I nodded. "That makes sense. How are you coming with Ranchan's medication?"  
  
"I can't prescribe him anything myself because I'm not trained to diagnose him properly, but I've set up an appointment with a colleague of mine, a Dr. Hiro Kawasaki."  
  
"Like the motorcycle?"  
  
Dr. Tofu smirked. "No relation. It's set for Friday afternoon this week. So you think you can hold out until then?"  
  
Ranma looked doubtful. "I don't know. I haven't had much luck so far."   
  
The Doctor nodded. "Just do your best to avoid the people who aggravate you. That's all you can do."  
  
"I'll try."  
  
"And I'll help." I said firmly. Ranchan looked at me gratefully.   
  
"Thanks Ucchan."  
  
Dr. Tofu adjusted his glasses. "I don't really want to say this Ukyou, but are you sure it's wise to have Ranma stay with you? His other personality isn't exactly stable. You could be in danger."  
  
Ranchan looked worried, but I waved the Doctor off. "We're one step ahead of you, Doctor. We've already determined that I'm one of the few people that Ranchan doesn't have a beef with. So far, all his other self's done is get some payback from people who have seriously and repeatedly hurt him. I'm confident I don't fall into that category."  
  
That cheered Ranma up a bit.   
  
The doctor was more cautious. "And what if you're wrong?"  
  
I swallowed. "Then... then I'll forgive him."  
  
Ranchan looked at me incredulously. "Ucchan... Do you know what you're saying? Look at what I already did to Akane and Nabiki? What if I did the same things to you, or worse?"   
  
I looked confidently at him. "I'm certain that won't happen Ranchan, because even if there was something you can't remember that I did to hurt you, you already know I'm sorry for it. That can't be said of Nabiki or Akane, and it makes a big difference. And if some part of you does need some kind of retribution to believe that I'm sincerely sorry... then like I said, I'll accept it, and forgive you for it."  
  
Ranma shook his head in wonder. "Ucchan... you're a better frien- Er... I mean fiancée, than I deserve."  
  
I giggled and hugged him. "Glad you think so."   
  
"Me too." Ranma muttered.  
  
Dr. Tofu nodded. "Well, then that's settled. Move in with Ukyou and try to keep your anger in check. I'll write down the address and time of your appointment with Dr. Kawasaki."  
  
After getting the note from the doctor, as well as another that excused us for being late back to class, we dropped of Ranchan's stuff at my restaurant and headed back to school. The rest of the day was surprisingly dull, and when we came back home, we opened the restaurant for business.   
  
"Ok Ranchan, decision time."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Waiter or Waitress? A cute waitress will bring in more customers and get you better tips, but I know you don't really like being a girl if you don't have to. I'll leave the choice up to you."   
  
Ranma scratched his head for a minute. "I've been a waitress before, at the Nekohanten, and you're right about the tips. I guess I can handle it."  
  
"I'm not pressing you about this Ranchan. You're gonna keep your own tips, so to me it doesn't matter too much either way."  
  
Ranma nodded. "I understand. I'll still go with waitress. Got anything I can wear?"  
  
Ukyou pulled at her lip. "Not a lot. There's the kimono I sometimes wear to festivals, or I could always put you in one of my chef's outfits, but that's better for the person behind the counter."  
  
Ranma winced. "Yeah, I think I'll pass on the tights that make my butt cry out 'pinch me'."  
  
I gave him a sly look. "I wear those tights every day, Sugar. Is that what *my* butt is saying to you?"  
  
"Ahh... well... no... I mean not that you're not... er... ano..."  
  
I laughed. He's so cute when he's nervous. "Let's leave that conversation for another day, 'kay Ranchan?"  
  
You could almost see him working over how he should respond to that. I gave him an out that neither suggested inappropriate (not that I'd mind) thoughts on his part, or that he might think me unattractive. "Yeah. Another day."  
  
"Good." I grinned at him. I fully intended to continue that conversation once he got over this split personality thing. "So you want the kimono then?"  
  
He shrugged. "It's feminine, but at least my butt's safe... probably."  
  
I giggled. "Come on. I'll get it for you."  
  
  
***  
  
So that was the second day of the nasty Ranma's revenge, and Nabiki collected on her abuse of Ranma... with interest. The next day was Shampoo's turn...  
  
You know... I really don't want to talk about what she got. I'm sorry, I just don't. I've got to get going anyway. The rehearsal starts soon. I'll see you tomorrow at the wedding Sugar. By now!  
  
  
  
  
Next time: Shampoo get what's coming to her. I'm sure we can find *somebody* willing to spill the beans.  
  
C&C to hinoron@hotmail.com 


	3. Chapter 3

Me Myself & Ukyou  
Chapter Three  
  
  
  
  
Wow... so today's my wedding day. It almost doesn't seem real. I guess I'm a little scared. Not that I'm gonna back out or anything. Ranchan and me have fought way too hard and suffered too much to give up now. We're getting married!   
  
...Wow.  
  
Huh? Tell you more of the story? Sure. I guess I've got time. Let's see... Ranma's vengeful persona came out twice; once to slap some sense into Akane and a second time to sell nude (and very graphic) pictures of Nabiki. The fourth time was when the Kunous....  
  
Third time? Uh-uh Sugar. I don't even want to think about that. Not on my wedding day. It just hurts too much sometimes, and I get all depressed.   
  
No, it wasn't me he turned on. I think he loved me even then, or at the very least trusted me. It was Shampoo who got it, in more than one sense.   
  
Never mind. I said I wouldn't talk about it and I meant it! Today is my WEDDING DAY! Look! There's Ryouga. Go ask him! Just LEAVE ME ALONE!!!  
  
  
  
Is this the Unryuu... you know, I don't think it is. This looks more like a wedding, and there's no giant pigs anywhere. You look kinda familiar too. Hey! I remember you! What are you doing in Hiroshima?  
  
Nerima? Really? Who's getting married? Ranma and Ukyou? Well hey! I might just stick around to see that. Guess I shouldn't kick his ass at his own wedding though. It's a good thing I keep a tux in my pack for just such occasions. Hey, look over there. I see Ranma and Ukyou. How come she's crying? Is he glaring at you or at me? You? Good. Like I said, I'd hate to have to get in a fight with him on his wedding day. What'd you do to her anyway?  
  
Oh, I see. She's been telling you about that time Ranma went crackers huh?  
  
You asked her about Shampoo? Are you nuts! What kind of sick bastard are you!  
  
Well... ok. I guess you had no way of knowing, and I know you're basically an alright person... more or less.   
  
Huh? You want to know? I don't know if I should. It's not really my place... Well, yeah. You've got a point there. If you'd known before you wouldn't have brought it up today of all days. I guess I'll tell you. Just let me find a place to change. This way you say?  
  
Hey, let go! I was going the way you said... I wasn't? Oh, sorry. Over here then? Right, right. That's where I meant... honest!  
  
  
Okay then, now I don't look like a beggar at the Emperor's table. This collar sure is tight. Guess it's time to get a bigger one. I'm not quite 18 yet, after all; still got a bit of growing to do. Huh? Oh right, the thing with Shampoo. Personally, I don't know that Ranma wouldn't have done that even if he were in his right mind. He's a real jerk, you know. Hmm... guess I shouldn't say things like that at the guy's wedding. Anyhow, it went something like this...  
  
***  
  
News of Ranma's split personality disorder didn't make it to the Nekohanten, which was pretty stupid of Ranma and Ukyou if you ask me. The old woman's got her agenda, sure, but she probably could have gotten Shampoo to ease up a little for a while, even order her not to go near him if that's what it took. Shampoo would have listened then. Not liked it, obviously, but she would have obeyed.   
  
Word that Ranma had moved in with Ukyou, on the other hand, did reach Shampoo when next she attempted to ambush Ranma for a date at the Tendou dojo. His not being there, naturally, was a surprise. Nor was it a particularly nice one. I think all she was told (or more likely, all she listened to) was that Ranma had slapped Akane and run off to Ukyou. This, naturally, did not put her in the best of moods. Sure she was glad to be rid of one rival, but why wouldn't he run to his 'Airen' if he needed a place to stay? Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, as Kunou would probably put it. She went straight to the Ucchan.   
  
Why was it, she pondered as she ran across the rooftops, that Ranma always cringed away when she showed him affection? She knew she was far from hideous, so what was it about her that seemed to drive him away?   
  
Others called her a bimbo for how she behaved with her Airen. What the hell was their problem? By the laws of the Joketsuzoku, she and Ranma were already married, so what was wrong with a wife trying to get her husband to consummate the marriage? Considering that they'd been 'married' for nearly a year (longer if you count her original defeat back in the village) it was in fact very odd and troubling that she and her Airen were not physical together. Shampoo knew couples back in the village who fought, and the first evidence of big trouble in their household was a husband sleeping outside at night. How bad then was Shampoo's marriage, where her husband had never come inside in the first place?   
  
Actually, even thought the law officially recognized them as man and wife, there was a wedding ceremony that she was looking forward to. That didn't make them any less married (other than it reaffirmed the groom's commitment; Ranma was not the first outsider male to become confused when a defeated Amazon dropped her weapons and went for a liplock, though he was to-date the longest holdout). The Amazonian wedding ceremony merely confirmed the marriage much like a funeral confirms that a person is dead. Ceremony or not, married is married and dead is dead.  
  
At any rate, Shampoo knew her marriage was in serious trouble, and was giving her all towards closing the rift between her and Ranma. Sex was an important part of any healthy marriage, especially a new one like theirs. So she flirted with him and flaunted her body as much as was publicly acceptable, in the hopes of getting him to accept her.   
  
It should be noted that Shampoo's concept of what was publicly acceptable was a little broader than that of the typical city-dwelling Japanese.  
  
***  
  
Now Ranma and Ukyou had been having a fairly calm couple of days since he moved in. The most he had to deal with was guys at the school coming up to him to ask when the next series of Nabiki pictures were coming out. Since Ukyou was sticking to him like glue, they usually received a spatula to the head as a reply. The few who managed to avoid her ire spread the word that the answer was "never".   
  
Other than that, Ranma was basically the hero of the campus for the next little while, and a lot of guys were slapping him on the shoulder and thanking him for what he did. Quite a lot of them had their debts to Nabiki cleared when he gave them her log book to burn. Not everybody escaped her clutches naturally, but they were no worse off than before, so they really couldn't complain.   
  
At the Ucchan, Ranma-chan was working as a waitress, and apparently raking in the tips. This might have had something to do with the Pig-tailed-girl photo market suddenly drying up. There's an awful lot of weird guys at that school. They already know Ranma's really a guy. Don't they care about getting their heads kicked in if he catches them with the photos?  
  
Whatever. The point is things were going pretty good for Ranma when Shampoo smashed the restaurant's door open, late one evening.   
  
"Ranma! Why you stay here with Stupid Spatula Girl? You come stay at Nekohanten, yes?" She said, not even bothering with a 'nihao'.   
  
"Sha-Shampoo! Um... Long time no see. Heh."  
  
Ukyou was not impressed, with either the suggestion or the entrance. "HEY! Look at what you did to my door, you bimbo!" She snapped.   
  
Shampoo just glared at her and glomped onto the nervous female Ranma in the kimono. "Why think Shampoo care about Stupid Spatula Girl door. Ucchan is competition to Nekohanten. No need bother be careful in this place."  
  
"Why you little..." Ukyou growled, grabbing her big spatula and hopping over the counter. "Let him go!"  
  
"Ranma is Shampoo Airen! Not yours! Ranma come stay at Nekohanten with Shampoo! Have futon for two all ready! Make big happy with Shampoo tonight!"  
  
"Uh... uh... uh..." Ranma-chan's face went red and his linguistic skills dwindled away to nothing at the blatant suggestion. He held his arms wide to the side, not wanting to return the embrace, but not knowing what else to do with them.   
  
"Keep your paws off my fiancé, you slut!" Ukyou snarled and swung with the spatula. Shampoo ducked; Ranma-chan wasn't so lucky.  
  
WHAM! "Ack! Ranchan!"  
  
"Stupid Spatula Girl learn not to strike Shampoo Airen!" Shampoo growled, if it's even possible to growl in that baby-doll voice of hers. She smashed a bonbori into Ukyou's stomach and sent her flying into the wall.  
  
Now, lest you think otherwise, Ukyou's a pretty tough fighter, and can usually hold her own against Shampoo, but she got distracted worrying about Ranma-chan and the blow she'd accidentally knocked her. Ranma-chan was conscious, but on her knees holding her head. Since Ukyou'd left herself wide open, Shampoo's devastating strike hit with full force. The back of Ukyou's scull struck one of the support beams in the wall and knocked her out cold. If she'd the plaster, it would have just caved in and softened the blow, allowing her to get right back up and continue the fight.   
  
Ranma-chan looked in horror at her unconscious fiancée. "Ucchan!"  
  
"Leave Stupid Spatula Girl! Shampoo much better looking. Have better body and chest can actually see. Ranma want real girl for wife, yes? Spatula Girl only boy who no can pee standing." Shampoo remarked snidely. She turned up her nose at Ukyou's slumped form. Thus, she didn't notice how Ranma-chan was shaking with rage.   
  
Ranma-chan stood up and smirked at the Amazon. "You have a point there, Shampoo. I guess if I want to spend time with someone really sexy, that'd be you, wouldn't it?"  
  
Shampoo was a little shocked at finally getting some encouragement from Ranma, but covered it quickly with great enthusiasm.   
  
"Aiya! Is so! Ranma come with Shampoo! Shampoo show how much she love Airen! We spend much time together at restaurant!"  
  
Ranma drew closer and smiled coyly. "Hmm, yes indeed. You want to fuck me, don't you? Tonight?"  
  
Shampoo blinked, not used to hearing her Airen speak this way. "Y-yes! Shampoo very much want get closer to her Airen. Shampoo do anything Airen want! You see! She make Airen very happy... tonight..." Shampoo's heart was beating fast in her chest. Ranma was finally ready to act like her husband, and she was getting nervous! What was wrong with her? "Yes. Tonight!" She said with renewed confidence.  
  
Ranma-chan smirked. "I bet you will." She looked over at the unconscious chef. Her expression wavered. She turned back to Shampoo. "Just let me change and we'll go. I'll put her somewhere more comfortable and leave her a note to say where I've gone. She took good care of me after the Tendous threw me out. I owe her that much."  
  
Shampoo mulled that over. She had Ranma all to herself now, she supposed she could afford to be a gracious winner. "Is ok. Shampoo wait here for you, yes?"  
  
Ranma-chan smiled as she scooped up Ukyou. "That'd be great. Just wait right here and I'll be down in a minute. Then we'll go together."  
  
Shampoo frowned briefly at the way her Airen held the Okonomiyaki chef, but reasoned there was nothing too affectionate about it. She smiled and nodded happily while Ranma-chan took Ukyou upstairs. When he came down again, he was in his male form and his own clothes. He grinned at her and put his arm around her waist.   
  
"Okay, hot stuff! Let's get going."  
  
Shampoo giggled and leaned against him. Ranma turned the sign around to 'closed' and walked away with Shampoo without a backward glance.  
  
  
Ukyou woke up on her own futon an hour later. She took a minute to figure out how she'd gotten there. Ranma must have carried her up here, she thought. The warm feeling she got from his consideration soured somewhat was she remembered Shampoo. She noticed that she was as properly put to bed as could be expected. Tossing back the comforter she saw that her clothes had been loosened so that she could be comfortable, even the bindings on her breasts. Nothing had been removed however (same old shy Ranchan). She looked at the clock and noted that it was well past closing time, so Ranma was probably asleep in his own room. She got up to change into her normal nightwear before going back to sleep.   
  
On the dresser was a folded note with her name on it.   
  
Dear Ukyou,  
Rest well, and take care of yourself. You know what the symptoms   
of a concussion are like, I'm sure. If you think you have one,   
go to Dr. Tofu's first thing in the morning. I'm going to give  
that Chinese whore what's coming to her. I'll be back either   
late tonight or tomorrow morning, so don't worry if I'm not there   
when you wake up.  
Love Ranma.   
  
Ukyou felt a cold dread seep into her bones as she read the note. By the way he referred to Shampoo, it was obviously the vengeful Ranma that had written it. Her worry about what was going to happen stole away any joy at the affectionate concern Ranma showed for in the letter.   
  
What was going to happen that night? And was it concern for the Amazon that made her blood run cold, or was it concern for Ranchan when he 'woke up'?   
  
***  
  
Not long before she normally rose each morning, Elder Cologne of the Joketsuzoku was brought abruptly awake by a shrill scream of agony. She bolted from her room and burst into her great-grandaughter's. Shampoo was curled up naked atop her bedding, sobbing her heart out as she clutched a sheet of paper in her hand.   
  
Mousse was inside only a moment after the matriarch. "Shampoo! What's-- Ack!"  
  
Knocking the blind fool outside (figures he'd have his glasses on the one time he could get an eyeful of Shampoo) Cologne slammed the door shut. "You will wait outside Mousse! That is an order!" She snapped.  
  
Turning back to Shampoo she slid down her staff and moved to comfort her great-granddaughter. "Shampoo, what is it? Where is Son-in-law?"   
  
The devastated Amazon could only shake her head as she sobbed. Cologne gently eased the paper out of her hand and read it.   
  
To Shampoo  
Gotta admit you're a great lay. Your money's on the dresser. Just in   
case you're wondering, I've never had any intention of marrying you, and   
still don't. Drag your slutty ass back to China and leave me alone. If   
you need travel money you can probably make enough by waiting around by   
the docks. Here's a little life lesson so you can't say I never gave you   
anything:  
Act like a whore, and you get treated like one.  
Bie lao, slut.  
-Ranma  
  
Feeling numb, Cologne glanced toward Shampoo's dresser where, sure enough, lay a 5000-yen bill.   
  
"He even underpaid." She muttered in disbelief. Even a marginally good-looking 'working girl' in Tokyo could sell her virtue for almost twice that much.   
  
Ignoring, for the moment, the sobbing girl on the floor, the matriarch stared numbly at the open window and let the horrible note slip from her fingers.   
  
"Son-in-law, what in the name of all the gods have you done?"  
  
***  
  
Ukyou had slept poorly, and when her alarm went off she immediately went to Ranma's room. She was relieved to find him there, sleeping sloppily with the covers half-off him like usual.   
  
"Ranma!" She shook him awake. "Ranma!"  
  
Snort. "Uh? Whassit? Ukyou? 'ssit mornin' already?" He mumbled groggily. Then he noticed that Ukyou's pajamas came pretty together pretty low in the front, especially if she was leaning forward like she was now. His eyes went wide...   
  
"Ranma, what happened last night? What did you do to Sham..." She trailed off as she noted that he didn't seem to be listening to her, and wasn't looking her in the eye either. She glanced down and blushed as she leaned back and flattened her pajama top against her body again. "Um... sorry."  
  
She noted that Ranma hadn't moved, and in fact appeared quite frozen. She had to giggle. "I guess I don't need to ask if you're my Ranchan or not, huh?"  
  
"Um... what?" He shook himself out of it.  
  
Ukyou became serious. "Ranchan, do you know what happened last night?"   
  
"No... Wait, you don't think I had another little 'episode' do you?" He asked, his eyes filled with worry.   
  
Ukyou nodded. "I'm pretty sure you did. Shampoo came by and knocked me unconscious."  
  
"I think I remember that part..."  
  
"Yeah, but when I woke up you'd put me to bed and left a note saying you were going to 'give her what's coming to her'. You must have come back some time in the night."  
  
Ranma put his head in his hands. "Aw no! Not Shampoo too!"   
  
***  
  
"Matriarch! What's wrong with Shampoo? Tell me, please!" Mousse called franticly from outside the door.   
  
Cologne weighed her options carefully, then slipped outside the door and wordlessly handed the male Amazon Ranma's note.   
  
Mousse began to quiver in rage as he read...  
  
"By our laws, it is Shampoo whose task it is to avenge this grave dishonor with Saotome's blood, but... she loved him deeply and truly. It is a heavy task to put upon her shoulders when there are others who would gladly take up her burden. Wouldn't you agree, Mousse?"  
  
The near-blind boy raised his head, and the two shared a grim look of cold fury...  
  
***  
  
Ranma and Ukyou walked to school in a state of considerable depression. They knew something awful had happened to Shampoo last night, and the repercussions would surely find him in short order.   
  
Sure enough, Mousse was waiting by the front gate. Somewhere further behind him, Akane and Nabiki were watching with a sort of grim curiosity.   
  
"Uh... Hi Mousse. What's up?" Ranma asked nervously.   
  
"Saotome..." Mousse began in a frighteningly calm voice. "For some time now, I have been angered and frustrated by the disrespectful way you have treated my Shampoo." The master of hidden weapons held his shaking fists at his sides. "But last night was the final straw! The greatest possible insult! Before today I would have been content merely to defeat you to end your hold over Shampoo, but no more! Only your demise will satisfy me now, and not even Shampoo will hold it against me! DIE YOU ENEMY OF ALL WOMEN!!!" He roared as he reached into his sleeves and brought forth a hail of deadly weaponry.   
  
Ranma gave Ukyou a hard shove to the right to get her out of the way, before leaping to his own safety.   
  
"Mousse calm down! It ain't like you think!" Ranma protested as he strove furiously to defend himself. He noted with some dread that the weapons Mousse was using today were all bladed and honed to a razor edge. Before today, Mousse had always employed weighted chains, or steel with the edges blunted.   
  
Not today. Today Mousse was entirely serious about seeking Ranma's bloody end. All his weapons were deadly real; a single slip would mean the end of Ranma Saotome. The farsighted boy's style itself was similarly focused with lethal intent.  
  
Ukyou watched in horror, knowing that she could not compete at Mousse's level of combat. To enter the fray would be incredibly dangerous. Worse, Ranma would then have to worry about defending her in addition to himself; a distraction he could ill afford.   
  
She looked about frantically for some means of Ranma's salvation, and found only Cologne perched silently atop her staff, watching the fight in grim silence.   
  
"Old woman! You have to stop him!" She cried.   
  
The old woman fixed her with a stare. "Why would I?"  
  
The look chilled Ukyou to the bone. Always before, Ukyou had seen the old woman look at Ranma with the reluctant amusement one held for a disobedient, but much-loved child. Her expression now as she turned back to the fight was of the sort one reserved for a disgusting insect.   
  
Ukyou swallowed and tried again in her most respectful tone. "Elder Cologne, I don't know what occurred last night, but Ranma was not at fault!"  
  
"How can you possibly ask me to believe that?"   
  
"Ranma's suffering from a split-personality disorder. He's developed this other persona that goes around seeking vengeance against anyone who's hurt him in the past. When he woke up this morning, he had no memory of what happened the night before. We're still waiting to get him treatment. Please! Whatever that other Ranma did to Shampoo, *this* Ranma's not to blame!"  
  
Cologne turned slowly to look into Ukyou's desperate eyes. She looked older than Ukyou had ever seen her, as if she had suddenly gained all the weakness and fragility of her 300+ years.   
  
"Is this... true?"  
  
Ukyou nodded quickly. "You can ask Dr. Tofu to confirm it. Think about it. Can you honestly believe Ranchan would really do... whatever it was he did?"   
  
Cologne frowned in thought. "It does seem unlike him..." She looked at the enraged assault Mousse waged on Ranma, then glanced back sadly in the direction of the Nekohanten. "However, I don't believe there's any way to recover from the damage that was done."  
  
Ukyou swallowed, risking a nervous glance at her fiancée. "What... what exactly did the other Ranma do? He can't even remember it himself."   
  
Cologne looked the Kuonji girl over carefully, as if reluctant to accept the girl's sincerity. Eventually, she wordlessly pulled a sheet of paper from her robes and handed it to Ukyou...   
  
  
This was the hardest fight Ranma could remember in a long time. It took every trick he knew to bring the livid Mousse down. Fortunately, Mousse was far too incensed to recognize the Hiryuushotenha being formed around him, and a huge tornado carried him high into the sky, buffeting him with its fierce winds before slamming him into the ground. Ranma almost feinted in shock when Mousse began to get up again, but quickly jumped on the boy and slammed his head repeatedly into the ground until he stopped moving.   
  
Exhausted and frustrated at the duck-boy's reluctance to accept unconsciousness, Ranma staggered over to where Ukyou stood beside the old ghoul, reading a note.   
  
"Geez he was worked up! Hey Ucchan, did you explain how whatever I did to Shampoo wasn't my fault yet?"   
  
Ukyou did not respond, continuing to look down at the note.  
  
"Ucchan? What's that there?"  
  
Ukyou finally raised her eyes and looked at him with an expression of such hurt betrayal that he flinched back a step.   
  
"How could you..." She said, as tears began pouring down her face. "How could you do this?"   
  
"Ucchan?" Ranma said in confusion.   
  
Ukyou dropped the note and dashed forward, slapping him hard across the face. "Ranma Saotome, I hate you!" She cried as she ran off sobbing.   
  
Cologne watched with morbid curiosity as Ranma stood there in shock for almost a full minute, before slowly reaching down to pick up the paper that Ukyou had dropped. The Matriarch saw his eyes widen in horror as he read it and understood.  
  
"Oh God..." he muttered softly. As the full measure of what had happened, and all the significance of Ukyou's response, reached him, Ranma collapsed to the ground, curling up into a ball as he began to cry in the middle of the street. Cologne watched him silently; the proud warrior brought low. Akane and Nabiki glanced at each other, and coldly turned and left him where he lay. Other students arriving late gave him wide birth, not wanting any part of him or the large crater where the unconscious Mousse lay.  
  
The bell had rung and the school gates closed before he had cried himself out. He rose slowly and looked miserably at Cologne, who was still watching him silently.   
  
"So what are you going to do now?" He asked bitterly.   
  
Cologne considered that for a minute. "For what you have done, Amazon law requires you to be put to death in a rather unpleasant way. However, considering this whole split-personality business, which in no way forgives the harm you've done, I think it more fitting to leave you alive to suffer the consequences of your own actions."   
  
Ranma nodded slowly. "Some things are worse than death, I suppose. I almost wish I was dead now, considering how miserable I feel."   
  
Cologne nodded. "Then it is a just punishment. You have destroyed any possible chance of a happy marriage with my great-granddaughter. We will leave soon, to return for China."  
  
"What's going to happen to her now?" Ranma asked, a slight amount of concern creeping into his voice.   
  
Cologne grimaced at the thought. "She can still live a fairly respectable life in our village, though the next year will be hard for her. As well, a stain on her honor of this magnitude practically erases any hopes I had of her succeeding me as Matriarch."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
Cologne looked at him carefully. "I believe you are sincere in that. That is one of the only reasons I am leaving you alive."  
  
Ranma snorted. "Don't act like you're doing me any favors. It's probably a moot point anyway. Soon as my mother gets wind of this mess, I'll be on my knees slicing my own belly open."   
  
Cologne nodded grimly. "Then your suffering will not be too long. For what it's worth, Son-in... Ranma... I will miss you. I've had more fun playing with you here in Japan than in the last 100 years back in the village."   
  
Ranma gave her a weak smile. "You were kinda growing on me a bit too... grandma."  
  
Cologne snorted. "*Now* he shows some respect. Farewell, Ranma Saotome."  
  
Ranma nodded. "Sayonara, Elder."  
  
Ranma watched morosely as the ancient Amazon pogoed away on her staff, then turned to the school. He glanced at the locked gates, easily surmountable for one such as him. He considered them a minute, the turned and walked away down the street. He noticed he still held the awful note in one hand. He crumpled it up to throw it away, but hesitated. Things were bad enough without someone finding the note and spreading the news around. He crumpled it up and put it in his pocket, until he could find a trash can.   
  
He was halfway back to the Ucchan when he realized he had no business being there anymore. Ukyou had said she hated him, and the funny thing was, he didn't blame her at all. If anyone he cared about as deeply as she had said she did for him betrayed her like this... well, maybe he could forgive them eventually, *maybe*, but that didn't mean he had any right to expect her to.   
  
Ranma came to the unsettling realization that he had nowhere to go. His alter ego had cost him everything. The Tendou dojo, Ucchan's, the Nekohanten... He would never again be welcome in any of those places again. He was homeless, and friendless. Even his mother's house (not that he knew where it was) was too dangerous to go to, if for different reasons altogether.   
  
Feeling lonelier than ever before in his life, Ranma picked a direction at random and started walking. When you have nowhere to go, anywhere is better than here.  
  
  
Which is how the jerk ended up at my campsite. I don't know how he managed to get all the way to the Okinawa Islands in one night, but that's where I was (at least I think so, there weren't as many palm trees in the Okinawa forests as in the tourism ads) and he was there. He just wandered in while I was cooking a rabbit on the campfire.   
  
I was a bit surprised to see him, but I immediately jumped up to attack him like I always do whenever I see him. He didn't say anything when I said it was for Akane, he just looked sadly at me and let my nail him one right in the face. Considering that he's usually harder to nail down than mayonnaise to a wall, this kinda took me by surprise.   
  
"What kind of pathetic defense is that?" I yelled at him.   
  
"I don't care." He mumbled from where he was laying. "Hit me all you like. You can even break my neck if it suits you."  
  
This was beginning to weird me out, and no way was I going to take my much-deserved revenge if he wasn't even going to fight back (hardly any fun that way, is it?)   
  
I think I just kinda stared at him for a while, then I dragged him over to the campfire and gave him some of my rabbit. For someone who usually eats like a starving wolf, he barely touched his bit. I don't think I've ever seen him that depressed, before or since. I found myself wondering if I look like that when I'm brooding. It wasn't the most inspiring thought.   
  
"Okay, what the hell's wrong with you?" I finally asked.   
  
"How long you got?" He muttered.   
  
I just raised an eyebrow and looked up at the sky. The sun had set just a couple of hours ago. "All night I suppose."  
  
So he sighed and, very reluctantly, told me all about his split personality, and all the damage it had done, leaving him homeless and friendless. Actually, I found out later that he'd skipped over the part about Akane, but I guess he thought I wouldn't stay quiet long enough to hear the rest if he did. He was probably right too.   
  
"So you've finally gone nuts, huh?" I joked, trying to get a rise out of him. It didn't do a damn thing.  
  
"Pretty much." He mumbled. "Guess I'll just end up wandering around like you do, living off the land, far away from people so that I don't hurt nobody. Just me, all by myself... all alone..."  
  
There was something very depressing about how he described his intended life, especially the part where he compared it to mine. I REALLY needed to get a rise out of him, before he got us both throwing Shishihoukoudans all over my nice campsite.   
  
"Well, I'm not as bad off as you. As soon as I get back to the Tendou's Akane-san will cuddle me and take care of me as her little pet pig, which is pretty nice, to be honest. And hey! Now that you're out of the picture, I can make a serious effort to start dating her, right?"  
  
Ranma shrugged. "Guess so."   
  
I hate to admit it, but I've never been known for my patience. I threw my plate down with a clang.   
  
"Goddammit Ranma! Snap out of it! You're whining even more than I ever do! You sound like a girl!"  
  
That *almost* got a reaction. His head perked up, and he seemed to be seriously considering something.   
  
"A girl, huh? You know, I never really thought about that. I've used my girl-side to get free eats before, maybe I can swing room and board the same way." He pondered.   
  
I snorted. "You could, but you'd have to screw some guy before he'd let you move in."  
  
Ranma's face screwed up in disgust. "EWW! Come on, man! Don't even talk about that!"  
  
Helloooo reaction!  
  
"I can just see you now, Ranma." I sneered. "Flat on your back with some big, hairy, middle-aged guy between your legs pumping away and sweating all over you."  
  
Ranma got to his feet and put his hands over his ears. "Oh Gawd! Stop it!"  
  
I pressed my advantage. "And why stop there? You can make some big money in the porno movie circuit. I hear sometimes they even make movies with dogs and horses involved."  
  
Ranma spun back at me, pissed as hell. "That's it pork-boy! I'm a guy, dammit! You say one more word about it and I'm gonna to kick your ass from here to Okinawa!"   
  
Funny, I thought I already was in Okinawa. Anyway, he said one more word, so I had to pick just the right one to put a suitable mental picture in his mind...  
  
"Blowjob."  
  
"ARRGH! You're gonna pay for that Bacon-breath!" He said as he attacked.   
  
I grinned as I charged to meet him. This was more like it!  
  
The fight lasted long. We smashed two trees, knocked over the rest of my rabbit into the dirt, and burned a Moukou Takabisha-sized hole in my tent, but all in all it was a lot of fun.   
  
We both ended up lying on the ground panting for breath. I think I was the first one to start chuckling. Then he started a minute later. Pretty soon we were both laughing our respective asses off in the dirt near my destroyed campsite, and neither one of us was really sure just what was so funny.   
  
When we eventually calmed down, Ranma looked over at me and grinned. "Thanks Ryouga. Guess I still got one friend left."  
  
I snorted. "Friend? Me? You've gotta be kidding me! I've still gotta pay you back for dumping me in that spring. You got any idea how many people have tried to eat me? And to top it off, I can't even tell the girl I love about my curse because if I do she'll hate me forever. Plus I'm lost all the time. You think you've got problems? Screw you, you wuss!"  
  
Ranma just started laughing again. "Maybe you're right. I mean, my appointment with my shrink is supposed to be tomorrow, and if I can get medication to keep this other me firmly stuck in the back of my head where he belongs, I shouldn't have any more problems. Come to think of it, Dr. Tofu would probably let me stay with him at least as long as I'm a patient. And most of the temples and dojos I visited with Pop said they'd always welcome a student of my talent, so it's not like I've really got no place to go."  
  
I grunted. "See, you big whiner? Now me, I've got one or two places to go, but I can never get there. I think I've spent more time at the Tendou place in the last year than I have in my own house for the last three."   
  
Ranma just grinned and shook his head. "You win, Ryouga. Your life is worse than mine. Tell you what though, let me sleep here tonight and tomorrow morning I'll drop you off at the dojo. How's that?"  
  
"Really? Why're you being so nice all of a sudden?" I asked suspiciously. "Aren't you worried I'll sleep in Akane's bed again?"  
  
Ranma seemed to think about that for a minute. "To tell the truth, Ryouga, she could do worse than you. I'm out of the picture for good, as far as that family is concerned. Akane hates my guts."  
  
"She always hated your guts." I reminded him.  
  
"Yeah, but now she really means it." He paused. "Do me a favour, will you? She'll probably want to tell P-chan what a bastard I've been. Try to keep in mind that it wasn't me, it was my evil personality. And also that she tends to exaggerate and think the worst of me. I don't think she really believes that I even have a split personality."  
  
I mulled this over. I have to admit that Akane can be a little... enthusiastic at times. "I guess I can take what she says with a grain of salt. What did you do to her anyway? Is she just mad about the pictures you took of Nabiki?"  
  
"It wasn't ME you idiot. And to answer your question... I kinda... slapped her."  
  
"What!?!"  
  
"Calm down! It's not like I beat the shit out of her or anything, but I basically shot her down in front of the whole school and told her that I wasn't going to put up with her using her hammer on my for things that aren't my fault."   
  
I kinda grumbled about that for a minute, but it didn't sound so awful the way he told it. Not to mention I was too tired to start another fight just now. I couldn't work up the energy to stay pissed at him. I crawled over to tent (which now had two doors... great) and pulled out my ground sheet and sleeping bag.   
  
"I only got one sleeping bag, but there's a blanket in here somewhere. It's not too cold out tonight anyway."  
  
"That's fine. Thanks buddy."  
  
"I an NOT your buddy!"  
  
The jerk just laughed again. I swear one day I'm gonna pound his ass into the ground.  
  
***  
  
So, he dropped me off at the Tendou's front door, and after I turned to wave him goodbye, I crossed the street and was about to enter the gate when I noticed that this wasn't the Tendou place. Growling, I checked two doors to the left, then three to the right, then one more to the left (that gate looked familiar, for some reason). Now completely lost, I was forced to conclude the jerk had intentionally dropped me off at the wrong place. Maybe he wasn't so hot on the idea of me and Akane after all, the lying bastard! It took me another week to find the Tendou place on my own.   
  
  
Before that, however, I'd wandered into a very lavish property that was filled with booby traps. Since I was a pig at the time, I managed to avoid most of them, as they were designed to catch humans. Trip wires are easy to see when they're at eye level, even after dark.   
  
Hmm, should I tell you this part? I suppose it's all right. It's not like anyone else can or will tell you. My understanding is that Ranma couldn't remember anything from the times he spent in his vengeful persona, so it's only me and the Kunous who know about this, and I suspect both of them would rather swallow poison before admitting their part in it.   
  
I'd just come to the conclusion that I was within the Kunou estate, when I spotted Ranma's female form talking to Kunou, thus confirming my location. The odd thing was, the girl-type Ranma seemed to be getting along fairly well with the love-struck moron. As a matter of fact, she seemed to be flirting with him.   
  
This realization kinda stunned me, naturally, so I kinda lost track of them when the grinning Ranma-chan led a very excited Kunou inside the house. I found myself in the large kitchen, and was nearly trampled by Ranma-chan as she dashed in silently and dumped a prepared kettle over her head.   
  
I gave a little squeal, to catch his attention.   
  
Ranma blinked and looked down at me. "Well if it ain't P-chan! How come you're not at the Tendou Dojo? I only left you there two days ago."  
  
I growled at him, or at least I tried to. A piglet's growl isn't all that intimidating.   
  
"Well, I'd be happy to take you back, but I'm kinda in the middle of something right now."  
  
I gave him a disapproving squeal.   
  
Ranma blinked at me. "Huh? Oh wait. You thought I was serious before with Kunou? Get real! I'm straight! I'm here to get both of those lunatics back for all the shit they put me through!"  
  
My eyes widened as comprehension dawned.   
  
Ranma grinned nastily. "That's right piggy. I'm the evil Ranma. Not that these jerks don't deserve what I'm gonna do to them. You wanna watch? You might even get a kick out of it."  
  
I mulled that over and then nodded. I remembered all the times Kunou had hassled Akane, and that time when Kodachi handcuffed me to Ranma-chan in the middle of a gymnastics match hadn't much endeared me to her either. As long as Ranma wasn't planning on killing them, I could stand to see them get a little of their own back.   
  
Ranma grinned and scooped me up. "Okay Ryouga, the only way this is gonna work is if you never move from the spot where I put you down. Let me worry about moving you about. If you get lost I won't be able to take you back to the Tendou place tonight. Got it?"  
  
I gave an affirmative squeal.   
  
His grin turned nasty. "Good. Stage one began by interesting Kunou. Now it's Kodachi's turn."  
  
He dashed down the hall to another elaborate room, where Kodachi sat waiting. He dropped me under a table before she could spot me in his hand.   
  
"Ranma-sama! Did you find the bathroom alright?"  
  
Apparently, he'd been bouncing back and forth between the psycho-siblings for a while now.   
  
"No problem. I kinda missed you while I was gone. Is it strange to miss a person if you're only gone a few minutes?"  
  
Kodachi blushed, and smiled demurely. "Oh, Ranma-sama. What a sweet thing to say. I'm delighted to hear you finally accepting my affections." She smiled.   
  
Ranma kneeled next to her and took her hand. "Kodachi, my love, I've *always* been attracted to you. However, I'm officially engaged to marry that violent little thug Akane, and I live in her father's home. It would go very bad for me if I were to openly show my desires for you."  
  
"Oh, Ranma-sama!" Kodachi cried.   
  
From my position under the side table, I could see the immense joy light her features. It was a bit surprising, to see how much she resembled a normal young girl in love. It occurred to me later, as I thought about the ethics of letting Ranma's evil half run wild, that the whole time he was with her, showing her the attention she craved, she behaved in a perfectly sane fashion. Oh, she was still speaking very formally, which isn't so odd in a girl of her wealth and station, but when not desperately seeking his attention, she was normal and healthy. I suppose it's like that old song 'all you need is love'.   
  
Ranma held her close. "Until I can unravel the unfair obligations my father has heaped upon me, I will have to continue to avoid you in public, even though it breaks my heart to turn you away."  
  
"Oh, Ranma-sama!" Kodachi began to cry. "I hate this! Why can't you be with me?"  
  
Ranma cupped her cheek in his hand. "One day it shall be so, but until then, I'm afraid I can only be your secret lover."  
  
Kodachi smiled at him. "My secret lover? Who visits me only in the darkest hour of night? My, how romantic!"  
  
Ranma lifted her chin and kissed her briefly. "If I await you in the first guest room, will you come to me under cover of darkness? Two bodies writhing together in passion... neither speaking a word for fear of being identified by the many ears in a large mansion... it's always been an erotic fantasy of mine when I dream of you, which is often." He grinned at her.   
  
Kodachi's cheeks were bright pink as she smiled up at him. "Oh, my darling Ranma-sama... meet you I shall!"  
  
Ranma rose and nodded. "Then I'll give you time to prepare... and Dachi-chan?"  
  
"Yes my love?" She asked as she panted with desire.   
  
He affected a shy smile. "Would you let your hair down for me? I've always wanted to run my fingers through your silken tresses."  
  
Kodachi giggled slyly behind her hand. "Whatever you wish... my secret lover!"   
  
Ranma grinned and dashed out of the room, subtlety snatching me up from my hiding place before she could notice.   
  
Ranma dashed back to the kitchen and applied cold water. I couldn't fathom what he was planning. What could he possibly gain from seducing Kodachi?  
  
Soon 'she' was zipping back to another room where Kunou was waiting. He rose immediately on her entrance, I was once again discreetly tossed out of sight before Kunou even looked up.   
  
"Pig-tailed-girl!"   
  
She smiled coyly at him. "I have returned to you, my noble lordling. I hope I did not keep you waiting too long."  
  
"Each moment spent apart was torture itself. Still my joy at seeing you now overwhelms all pain of your prior absence!"  
  
Ranma-chan giggled, with a hand over her mouth. It reminded me of how Kodachi had giggled just a minute ago. I later realized the resemblance was not accidental.   
  
"Tatewaki-sama... finally I've managed to partially free myself from the enchantments of the vile sorceress to the east, who bound me to Saotome Ranma. I wish to assure you that he is not at fault, and merely took on the role of my protector, until such time as we could find the magic to separate us permanently. There are no romantic feelings at all between us two. He is more like an overprotective older brother who fears to let such a manly individual as yourself get too close to me. Thus he demands I refuse your affections, even if he is not there to witness it. He has cared for me well in recent years, so I've no wish to upset him. Still..."   
  
Here Ranma-chan smiled coyly at the riveted Kunou. "I can hide my feelings for you no longer, Kunou-sama! I burn with passion for you."  
  
"Pig-tailed-girl!" Kunou cried, attempting to sweep her into an embrace, but she darted out of his reach like a startled dear.   
  
"Oh! Forgive me, my love, but though I long to be with you in the most intimate way..."  
  
"The most... intimate way?" Kunou swallowed.   
  
"... I remain an innocent and untouched maiden, shy beyond words." She turned her back to him, looking at me and rolling her eyes. "I do not wish to be a maiden any longer; I wish for you to be the one to make me a woman, but still the timidity of childhood restrains me."  
  
Kunou trembled in excitement. "...Make you a woman?"  
  
She turned back on him. "Please, my lord Kunou! Would you wait for me in the first guest room, bereft of clothing and with all the lights turned out? Let us be only two bodies writhing together in passion... neither speaking a word for fear of being identified by the many ears in a large mansion... it's always been an erotic fantasy of mine when I dream of you, which is often. I fear I am too shy to speak to you or look into your eyes while we enjoy such guilty pleasures. Please, my love! Shatter not my dreams! Say you will be there!"  
  
"Not all the demons of hell could delay me even a moment, my beloved Pig-tailed-girl!" Kunou swore in a voice thick and husky with arousal.   
  
She smiled at him once more. "Speaking of that, when I go to don something more appropriate (which I will likely have to borrow from your sister's things) I shall undo my pigtail and let my hair flow free, that you might run your strong fingers through my scarlet tresses. Would you like that, my lord?"  
  
Steam was practically coming out of his ears. "It would please me to no end, my love!"  
  
"Then go, and wait for me atop the bed, where I can find you in the total darkness of that room. Please say nothing, for I fear your manly voice might shatter my courage. Fear not though, my beloved, I shall be with you shortly." She giggled, again copying Kodachi's more subtle mannerisms.   
  
Kunou nodded and bolted from the room.   
  
Ranma-chan snorted and retrieved me from my hiding place. I really think that by then I should have figured out what he was up to, but it was so outrageous that my mind couldn't grasp it.   
  
"Okay then Mr. P, let's go see if all my hard work bears fruit."  
  
He took me to a place where he could enter the space above the ceiling, and we crawled about to a position above the aforementioned guestroom.   
  
"I've had to get to know this place almost as well as their family ninja Sasuke." He explained in a whisper. He silently removed a panel from the ceiling of the darkened room, and we waited together. Soon, the door to the room opened, and we could see the silhouette of a young woman in negligee in the dim light of the hallway. Her hair hung loose down her shoulders, giving no hint of its usual style. I finally began to understand.  
  
With her hair down, and in the poor light, there was no way to tell Kodachi from Ranma's girl form. He'd even come up with an excuse for Kunou to accept the fact that what she wore belonged to Kodachi, if her older brother had ever chanced to see the silk teddy before tonight. By swearing both to silence and insuring total darkness, there was no way for the Kunou siblings to recognize each other.   
  
The door to the hall closed and the room became totally dark. We heard the sound of a body mounting the bed, and then silk on skin. When the small grunts and moans of passion had begun, Ranma silently replaced the ceiling panel and we made our silent way back to where we came in.   
  
I think I was in shock, because I hardly noticed that Ranma had carried me out of the Kunou estate and into the street. It was only when he dropped me into the window of Akane's bedroom that I recovered my senses.  
  
What Ranma had done was disgusting! It was unthinkable! It was scandalous! Who knew such an evil bastard had been lurking in the depths of Ranma's mind?  
  
Akane came upstairs soon after and was delighted to find her P-chan there, but I couldn't shake the chill that had come over me enough to enjoy her usual affections. Long after she'd gone to sleep with me in her arms, I lay awake wondering what was to become of Ranma Saotome...  
  
***  
  
So, now that you know what Ranma's darker half did to Shampoo, I think you owe Ukyou an apology, don't you? And keep the Kunou incident to yourself. I don't know how far things went before they caught on, or even if they woke up next to each other when daylight came. Nor do I know how both their respectively delusional minds made any sense of the night before. I also don't want to know! Don't ask them. They don't deserve to have it publicly known. They sort of backed off and kept to themselves after that, though Kunou still attacked Ranma whenever he laid eyes on him. Akane was relived, I can tell you, though Nabiki was a little annoyed that Kunou no longer desired to by pictures of her younger sister or the pig-tailed-girl. Kodachi ran into the sane Ranma not long after, but she just stared at him for a while before walking away without a word.   
  
As for Ranma, he went back to the Ucchan to find that Ukyou had forgiven him, and was actually apologizing to him for breaking her promise to forgive him if is vengeful persona hurt her. I gather there was a lot of tears and apologies and forgiveness in that conversation, but in the end she welcomed him back into the Ucchan for good.   
  
Ranma got to his appointment on time, but the analysis by his shrink and the subsequent prescription to suppress his alter ego wasn't finished until a week later, which is why his evil half was still able to do that horrible thing to the Kunous. After that, he only had to go five days without turning on anybody before his medication could kick in and make him safe to be around. Unfortunately, his mother showed up in four days.   
  
I think that's enough storytelling for today. I've gotta go around and say hi to the happy couple. Don't forget to apologize to Ukyou.   
  
See ya around.  
  
  
  
****  
  
  
Next time:  
Ranma's only days away from his cure, when his mother arrives! Will Ranma be able to keep his cool, or will he turn on his very own mother?!?  
  
See you then!  
  
-Ron Hino  
C&C to hinoron@hotmail.com 


	4. Chapter 4

Me, Myself & Ukyou   
Chapter Four  
  
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Ron Hino  
  
I've realized that by declaring it fanfiction, I automatically infer that the characters are not of my creation. Therefor there's really no need for a disclaimer of that sort. That ought to hold up in court, and have you ever heard of anyone being sued for writing fanfiction? The copyright laws in Japan are really quite flexible anyway. That's why all those X-rated doujinshi staring famous anime characters can be published.  
  
  
  
  
Why hello there. You must be one of Ranma and Ukyou's friends. Wasn't it a lovely wedding? And this reception is quite well done as well, though I admit this is the first time I've heard of okonomiyaki being served at such an event. Ukyou's family sort of insisted.   
  
Oh, where are my manners? My name is Saotome Nodoka. I'm Ranma's mother. It's nice to meet you.   
  
My, don't they make a lovely couple? If only that nice girl Akane hadn't refused to be a mistress, or that Shampoo girl for that matter. My son is so manly! I hope Ukyou will be enough for him, and if not he can always meet another nice young lady later I suppose. What do you think of him?  
  
(Her hand strays toward the long bundle she carries. Rather inappropriate to bring to a wedding, you think.)  
  
Oh, you think he's very manly too? How kind of you to say so. My son is fortunate to have a friend like you. He lost so many when he was suffering from schizophrenia.   
  
Oh, you want me to tell you about that? Well, I don't like to gossip...  
  
Anyway, I didn't arrive until most of it had already happened, and my son and daughter-in-law don't really like to talk about it if they can avoid it. However, he was still suffering from his condition when I came back to Nerima the second time to visit the Tendous, in the hopes of catching my husband and son at home...  
  
  
*** *** ***  
  
Kasumi answered the doorbell. She was surprised to see Ranma's mother standing there at the door.  
  
"Why Auntie Saotome! How nice to see you again!" She said cheerfully.   
  
Nodoka bowed. "It's nice to see you as well, Kasumi-chan. By any chance, are my husband and son here at home?"  
  
Kasumi's expression was briefly filled with worry, but she schooled her face into a smile with the aid of long practice. Given Mr. Saotome's pledge to make Ranma a man-among-men, how would Nodoka take hearing about some of the actions of Ranma's alter-ego? Especially since there were very few people in the house willing to put a positive spin on things. In point of fact, Kasumi was the only one.   
  
She slipped her shoes on, stepped out onto the porch and closed the door behind her. "Please forgive me for not inviting you inside, Auntie, but now is really not the best time. Ranma doesn't live here anymore.  
  
Nodoka blinked. "He doesn't? Whyever not? I thought he was engaged to Akane-chan."  
  
Kasumi winced. "That may take some explaining, and as I said, now's not the best time to talk with the rest of my family. Would you allow me to take you out for tea?"  
  
Nodoka frowned with worry. "What's been going on here, Kasumi-chan? You said Ranma doesn't live here anymore... He's not... dead, is he?"  
  
Kasumi gestured for Nodoka to follow her out into the street. "Oh no, Auntie. He's very much alive and well, as far as I know. Unfortunately, he had a bit of a... falling out with my family, through no fault of his own. My father and sisters are rather upset with him right now, and you know how people can say things they don't mean when they're angry."  
  
"But you're not angry at him, Kasumi-chan?"  
  
Kasumi smiled. "Oh no. Like I said, what happened wasn't his fault."  
  
Nodoka smiled thoughtfully at her. "Such a forgiving child. If Akane has broken the engagement, perhaps Ranma should marry you instead."  
  
Kasumi turned bright red. "Ah! Um... I don't think that would be best, Auntie. I'm far too old for him. Ranma's like a little brother to me, and I know he feels much the same about me."  
  
Nodoka looked amused. "Well, at least you're fond of him. I can see that much."  
  
Kasumi nodded in relief. "Very much so, Auntie. I was looking forward to being his older sister-in-law. I thought I would be quite proud to have him as part of our family."  
  
"Why do you say that in the past tense, dear?"  
  
Kasumi sighed sadly. "I didn't mean that as you might think. I still think highly of him. Unfortunately, I may be the only one in my household willing to forgive him. I'm afraid the union of the Tendou and Saotome schools is a lost cause, at least for this generation."  
  
Nodoka frowned. "My understanding was that their marriage was an honor agreement between our two families, made by my husband. Something truly awful must have happened for those two old fools to abandon it."  
  
Kasumi tugged her lip in thought as they came to the café. "If you're concerned about your family's honor, Auntie, then I should tell you that it was our family who decided to break that agreement, not yours. Further, Ranma is not the one to blame for the incompatibility between him and Akane."  
  
Nodoka sighed. "But she seemed like such a nice young lady."  
  
"She was on her best behavior because it was your first meeting, Auntie. Also, if their engagement were carried through, then you would be the closest thing Akane would have had to a mother since ours died when she was six. I think she was trying really hard to leave you with a good impression."  
  
"Well, I suppose that makes sense. What is she usually like then?"  
  
Kasumi looked uncomfortable. "I don't really like to say bad things about my own family, but... Akane has a truly awful temper; she tends to use her fists to solve problems or arguments, particularly with Ranma. This might not have been so bad if he were not too honorable to strike her back, but Uncle Saotome taught him from a very early age that he shouldn't hit girls."  
  
"I should certainly hope so." Nodoka said.  
  
Kasumi nodded. "Normally I would agree with you Auntie, but when the girl in question is a very proud martial artist herself, she might be inclined to take his refusal to strike back at her as an insult to her skills. This was at least part of Akane's problem. The other part is her own insecurity, violent temper, and immaturity. I'm afraid that, despite all our hopes, she would have made a poor wife to Ranma."   
  
Nodoka sighed. "Well, I'll have to take your word for it, Kasumi-chan, as the lady of your household. How unfortunate!"  
  
Kasumi nodded. "Yes, but better that it ends now than with a divorce within the next five years or less."  
  
"Things seemed to be going well enough when I visited. Perhaps now you should tell me exactly what occurred to bring their relationship to its end?"  
  
Kasumi looked awkward. How to explain this in a way that wouldn't cast an unfavorable light on Ranma's manliness... "I think their biggest problem was a lack of trust. Akane would almost never believe him in anything he said. In fact, combined with her violent tendencies, I'd have to describe her treatment of Ranma as bullying."  
  
"My son allowed himself to be pushed around by a girl?" Nodoka frowned.  
  
Kasumi hedged. "Well... for a time at least. You recall I said that he refused to strike Akane regardless of how she treated him? Eventually however, he refused to put up with it any more. I think his tolerance for her hurtful behavior must have been incredible for him to remain this long, but he couldn't tolerate her treatment of him any longer. It was a rather ugly breakup, and he left to live with one of the other girls he's engaged to, a rather nice girl named Kuonji Ukyou."  
  
Nodoka blinked. "My son is engaged to more than one woman?"  
  
Kasumi nodded sadly. "Your husband did many questionable things during their long training trip. One of them was to accept an okonomiyaki yatai in exchange for Ranma's marrying the owner's daughter. Ranma and Ukyou were both six years old at the time, and good friends. I don't believe Uncle Saotome ever ment to honor that agreement, but it's every bit as legal as the one to our family. More so, in fact, as the dowry was already accepted ten years ago. Furthermore, Ukyou and Ranma get along quite well, more so than any of his other fiancées."  
  
Nodoka's eyes were wide. "There are more?"  
  
"Um... well yes. A girl named Shampoo whom he met in China that he accidentally became engaged to by an obscure law of her village. There's also a girl from a very wealthy family by the name of Kunou Kodachi who's taken an interest in him, though I don't believe she has any true claim on him beyond her own desire. Neither of these girls are anywhere near as good a match for Ranma as Ukyou, in my opinion."  
  
Nodoka just sat there stunned. "My son has four women after him? Well... three now without your sister, but before that... four women?"  
  
Kasumi glanced anxiously at the long bundle leaning against the wall of the café. "Ranma never did anything to encourage them, to my knowledge, but Akane became jealous and blamed him for them anyway. Ranma did nothing wrong or dishonorable with any of them."  
  
Nodoka was not listening. She rose from the table and turned slowly away from Kasumi.  
  
"Auntie? Please don't think less of Ranma because of-"  
  
"YAAAHOOOO! My son is such a stud! He's got three women! THREE! Oh what a man he is! I never before dreamed I'd be so proud to be his mother!" She turned back to Kasumi and pulled the startled girl out of the booth to dance with her in the aisle as she began singing. "My son is a manly man! Manly man! Manly man! My son is a manly man! Oh what a happy day!"  
  
Kasumi stared dumbly at the ecstatic woman before her as she was released. Eventually, she just shrugged and smiled.   
  
Eventually, Nodoka noticed the stares of the other patrons (though admittedly being somewhat appreciative to the middle-aged men who lifted glasses and congratulated her with amused grins) and sat back down in the booth with Kasumi.   
  
"Oh Kasumi! This is wonderful! Please, can I ask you to take me to this girl's home? This Ukyou that my manly son has moved in with?"  
  
Kasumi thought frantically. She'd dropped by the Ucchan a few times recently and knew very well that Ranma was waiting tables in his girl form. She didn't relish trying to explain the curse to Nodoka.   
  
"Well... it's actually a restaurant, called the Ucchan, after its owner. Perhaps it would be more polite to visit after business hours." She advised, hoping the older woman would agree. It would give her time to warn them that the katana-wielding mother was coming.   
  
"Oh, I'm sure they won't mind too much. It's only three in the afternoon. They can't be that busy yet."  
  
  
  
***  
  
A very nervous Kasumi led Nodoka into the Ucchan.  
  
"Welcome to... Oh, it's you Kasumi-chan. Who's your friend?"  
  
Kasumi looked around the restaurant. There were a couple of customers, but no Ranma.   
  
"Ranma!" Nodoka cried, and ran forward to embrace Ukyou. "It's me, your mother. Oh it's so good to see you again after all these years!"   
  
Ukyou froze with an odd expression on her face.   
  
Kasumi tapped Nodoka on the shoulder. "Um... Auntie? That's not Ranma. This is Kuonji Ukyou, Ranma's fiancée." She said hesitantly.   
  
Nodoka blinked, and squeezed the person in her arms a few times, reminding Kasumi not a little of Ranma's first encounter with her father.   
  
Nodoka then stepped back from the decidedly uncomfortable chef with embarrassment. "Oh, I'm so sorry. It's just that I haven't seen my son since he was just a baby, so I really don't know what he looks like."  
  
"Don't worry about it." Ukyou said with a neutral expression. "Happens all the time. Getting mistaken for a boy, I mean, not the fondling by strange women."  
  
Nodoka bowed deeply. "I'm really sorry. And here you are such a pretty girl too."  
  
"The clothes of my profession don't do much to flatter my figure, but I manage." Ukyou said diplomatically. "So you're Ranchan's mother?"  
  
Nodoka smiled. "I am indeed. And you are his fiancée, correct?"  
  
Ukyou nodded. "About the only one left, or have you heard about his popularity with girls yet?" She glanced at Kasumi.   
  
The older girl winced. "I've just been telling Auntie about... Akane refusing the engagement. Um... is your waitress, or Ranma here right now?"  
  
Ukyou picked up on her hint: Nodoka didn't know about Ranma's curse. "Out on a delivery, at the moment. One of them should be back in about 15 minutes."  
  
Kasumi nodded. "Well, my family will be wondering where I've gone. I'll leave you two to get to know each other."  
  
Nodoka bowed. "It was nice to see you again, Kasumi-chan."  
  
Ukyou nodded. "See you around, Oneechan. If you should happen to see Ranma, or my waitress on their way back, be sure to tell them that Ranma's mother is here." She said meaningfully  
  
Kasumi gulped and nodded. She would wait outside the door for Ranma to return, so she could warn him (or her).   
  
Ukyou gestured to a stool, forcing a smile. "Well, Mrs. Saotome, why don't you have a seat and I'll whip you up something on the house?"  
  
Nodoka beamed, completely oblivious to Ukyou's uneasiness. "Why I'd love to sample some of your cooking, Ukyou-chan. And you can call me Mother, if you like."   
  
"Er... right... Mother."  
  
***  
  
Some time later, 'Ranko' hesitantly entered the restaurant.   
  
"Why Ranko! How nice to see you finally wearing something more feminine. What brings you here?" Nodoka asked cheerfully.   
  
"Ranko is my waitress." Ukyou offered.   
  
"Um... Hi Auntie." Ranma-chan said carefully. "Yeah, I part-time here."  
  
Nodoka frowned in thought. "Is my son with you dear? Ukyou-chan said you were both out on a delivery."  
  
Ukyou nodded. "Ranma's delivery was the last of his shift. I think he was going to meet with a study group from school. He should be back in another hour or two."  
  
Ranma-chan nodded gratefully for the out she'd been handed. Of course, in a couple of hours, she'd have to 'go home' and come back in male, but she wasn't about to complain. No plan was perfect.   
  
"Oh dear." Nodoka said in disappointment. "I suppose I'll just have to wait. You'd think after more than 15 years I could manage a little patience."  
  
"We understand your eagerness." Ukyou said diplomatically. "Ranko-chan, order for table three." She called as she tossed the redhead two plates.   
  
Ranko caught them easily, as well as the two hot okonomiyaki that followed shortly after.   
  
Nodoka clapped at the impromptu juggling. "You're so talented, Ranko-chan!"  
  
"One of the benefits of having her and Ranma working here." Ukyou smirked. "Dinner with floor show."  
  
"I'll bet that brings in customers."  
  
The chef grinned. "You bet! Cute waitress, plus high-level martial arts demonstrations means a good profit day for me. Not that I don't have my personal reasons for wanting Ranma here too."  
  
Nodoka smiled slyly. "I'd certainly expect as much. Tell me, do you think grandchildren are likely to be in my future soon?"  
  
Ukyou nearly fumbled the okonomiyaki she was flipping. "Ah... we don't... I mean... Ranma's been a perfect gentleman while he's here. I kinda figure he wants to wait until after we're married to start in on... that. He sleeps in my spare room." She managed, her face beet red.  
  
Nodoka looked disappointed. "Oh dear. That's not very manly. I think I shall have to have a talk with him about that when he gets here." She fingered her wrapped bundle.   
  
Ukyou took offence. "Hey! Mind your own business!"  
  
"But don't you see my dear? I'm his mother. It's very much my business. Ranma must become a man or else go to his ancestors along with his father."   
  
Ukyou growled. "What kind of mother threatens her child with a sword, for behaving honorably, no less!"  
  
Nodoka scowled. "How dare you question our family honor! Didn't your parents teach you to respect the will of your elders? I am Ranma's mother, and he will do as I tell him to. If you don't understand even that then perhaps you're not as fit to be my son's bride as I at first thought! You'll be fortunate if I permit him to keep you as a mistress, you insolent girl!"   
  
Ukyou was about to retort, but was interrupted by the slam of Ranma-chan's palms against the counter. The redhead had somehow managed to come around to stand beside Ukyou without catching either of the women's attentions.  
  
Ranma-chan hung her head, as though speaking under a great burden. "You think Ranma will do as you tell him, to give up Ucchan, just because you gave birth to him?"  
  
Nodoka frowned at the 'girl'. "Most certainly. That is his duty to his mother. I really don't think you should involve yourself in this discussion, Ranko-chan."  
  
Ranma-chan's head came up suddenly, her eyes blazing with fury. "I'm already involved! You talk about his duty to you, but what about your duty to him? You think giving birth is enough to give you the right to tell him how to live his life? How dare you presume so much! You're not fit to call yourself his mother!"  
  
Ukyou was staring at Ranma-chan with wide eyes, recalling that Ranma's shrink had told them that the medication wouldn't take full effect for another day and a half. This was clearly Ranma's more volatile self speaking.   
  
Nodoka looked hurt. "Ranko-chan! How can you say such a thing to me?"  
  
"You abandoned him! You threw away your motherhood and left him in the hands of a fool not fit to raise a dog! Do you have any idea how much he suffered on that training journey? Can you even conceive the horrors that fat imbecile would subject him to in the name of 'training'? The only reason Genma hasn't been locked away in prison for child abuse is because he's the only family Ranma has ever known! Ranma grew up alone and in pain, never knowing what it was like to be loved by anyone. The closest he came was the extremely rare words of approval from his father when he managed to survive one of the ridiculous tests he put Ranma through!"  
  
Nodoka opened her mouth in shock, but Ranma-chan pressed on without giving her time to speak.  
  
"And when you finally show up, what do you do? You wave a sword around and threaten to kill him! You may say you love your son, but carrying that damn katana around puts the lie to your words! There are very few people in the world who Ranma can believe care about him for who he is. I know he was hoping his own mother would be one of those, but no! You'll only love him if he makes himself out to be exactly who you want him to be, and kill him in cold blood if he's even a fraction less then that! It would almost be a forgivable crime if there was any way for a human being to match the dream in your head! You don't have any faith in him at all, or else why would you carry the sword and contract with you everywhere you go! You're just looking for an excuse to chop his head off, aren't you? ADMIT IT!" She screamed into the shaking woman's face.   
  
"No..." Nodoka whispered, as tears streamed down her face. "No, that's not what I want..."  
  
Ranma-chan's glare was cold as ice. "Says the woman with the sword in her hand, and the seppuku contract in her pocket. Get lost, you bloodthirsty bitch! You have no right to decide so much as what Ranma eats for breakfast, much less dictate his entire life to him! If I and the people who truly care about Ranma have any say in the matter, you'll never set eyes on your son again! We will protect him from the monster that birthed him!"  
  
Nodoka retreated back from the hate in the eyes of the young girl she'd become so fond of since they first met in the canal. Choking off a cry, she fled from the restaurant, and from the child she'd once wished were her own daughter, in tears.  
  
Ukyou swallowed and hesitantly approached Ranma-chan. "That was... pretty harsh, Ranma..." she began.   
  
Whatever she'd been planning to say went out the window as Ranma-chan collapsed behind the counter in tears. Hesitantly, the chef reached down and embraced the redhead.   
  
"Ranchan... is that you?"  
  
Through choking sobs, Ranma-chan answered. "It... it's me, Ucchan. It was me the whole time! I'm the one who said all those horrible things about my own mother! I... I can't believe I said that to her! Maybe I really am a monster!"  
  
Ukyou gently lay her fiancé's head upon her shoulder and held her close while she sobbed. "It's alright Ranchan. It'll be okay. You're not a monster, just a human being. Whatever happens, I'll always be by your side, I promise."  
  
It was more than half an hour before Ranma managed to let go of her fiancée, needing the other's strength to again find her own. Ukyou noted that most of the customers had politely left somewhere between the screaming match and the crying. One of her regulars even turned the sign around to 'closed' so they wouldn't be interrupted. She made a note to give that kindly old man a freebie the next time he stopped in.   
  
Ukyou carried Ranma-chan in her arms to the second floor, where she lay the miserable girl down in her futon. Once she was sure Ranma-chan would be okay by herself, the chef returned to reopen the restaurant. One of the sad realities of owning one's own business was that the doors always had to be open for customers, regardless of what was going on in one's personal life.   
  
After she'd closed for the night, Ukyou came upstairs to find Ranma-chan had left her own bedroom and fallen asleep in Ukyou's futon. She smiled down at the slumbering redhead.   
  
She thought to herself. Ukyou changed into her nightclothes and snuggled up next to her presently female fiancé. Everything they'd gone through together had banished the last of the awkwardness that forced the pair to sleep in separate rooms. She made up her mind to put her foot down tomorrow night, when Ranma would undoubtedly attempt to go back to their previous sleeping arrangements. The time had come for them to enjoy this innocent indulgence of each other's company. Even if they did nothing sexual, Ukyou wanted to be close to Ranma, now more than ever.   
  
The cross-dressing chef wrapped her arm around the cross-gender boy, and slept the most peaceful sleep she could remember.   
  
***  
  
It was a week later when Nodoka returned to the Ucchan. 'Ranko' was again waiting tables. She paused in her work to give the older woman an expressionless gaze.   
  
Nodoka's face was a tight mask of pain, as she walked up to the redhead.   
  
"I've had a lot of time to think over what you said, Ranko-chan," she said in a voice choked with emotion, "and you were right about many things. As you can see, I've left my sword behind. I must say, it feels very odd to be without it. I've carried it with me wherever I went for the last fifteen years. It was the physical proof I could hold in my hand, of the promise my husband made to me. It helped give me the faith to believe he would carry out his promise, despite all the ones he'd broken before."  
  
Ranma-chan said nothing as Nodoka reached into her kimono and drew out a yellowed sheet of paper. "I have, however, brought the seppuku pledge with me."  
  
Without another word, Nodoka walked over to the grill and lay the contract flat on the cooking surface. Ukyou and Ranma watched as the paper blackened, and eventually caught flame. All three women watched in silence as the 15 year-old promise went up in smoke. When it was nothing more than ashes staining Ukyou's grill, Nodoka turned to face them both with a sad smile.  
  
"I have made my decision. I am a mother, first and foremost. I do not care if Genma has fulfilled his promise or not. I only care that I have wasted 15 years of my life, which I could have spent with my only child. It is, as you have said, far too late to undo the damage of my negligence, but I hope that Ranma can find it in his heart to forgive his foolish mother. I have, again as you said, forfeited my right to have a say in how he chooses to live his life, but I hope there is at least some small way in which I can be a part of it. I lived nearly all of Ranma's live with nothing to sate me but my family's honor, and I know now that such is not nearly enough. I love my son, and I miss him terribly. Do you think it even remotely possible that either of you girls ever forgive this foolish woman her mistakes?"  
  
Ranma-chan dashed forward and hugged her mother, crying tears of remorse. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry I hurt you! Of course I can forgive you, if you can forgive me for all the horrible things I said to you."  
  
"Ranko-chan..." Nodoka said wistfully as she joined the tearful embrace. "You've taught me how to love my son. I could forgive you anything."  
  
Ukyou grinned as she came around the counter and joined the embrace. "We'll hold you to that... Mother."   
  
"Ukyou-chan. You've defended your fiancé well, against a most difficult and stubborn opponent. I think you would make a fine addition to the Saotome family, one I would be proud to call my daughter."   
  
The three women separated with smiles.   
  
"Then I think it's time to introduce you to someone." Ukyou grinned.  
  
Ranma-chan nodded. "Yes, it's long past time."  
  
Ukyou turned to Ranma-chan as Nodoka's face lit up with hope. "Ranchan, why don't you change clothes. You wouldn't want to ruin my kimono, would you?"  
  
Ranma-chan laughed. "You have a point. I'll be right back." She dashed up the stairs to the second floor."  
  
"Is my son upstairs?" Nodoka asked breathlessly.  
  
"In a manner of speaking." Ukyou said wryly.   
  
Ranko came down a moment later, this time dressed in the Chinese-style clothes Nodoka had seen her in when she visited the Tendous.  
  
"Ranko-chan? Where is my son?" Nodoka asked in confusion.   
  
Ranma-chan's smiled sadly as she grasped a kettle from the kitchen. "You're about to meet him. I only hope you can forgive us for deceiving you before now."  
  
Nodoka nodded impatiently. "I know you've been hiding him from me, but what..."  
  
Her voice trailed off as Ranko poured the kettle over her head and began to grow. Shaking the water from his hair, Ranma spoke in a much deeper voice.   
  
"My real name is Saotome Ranma, and I'm your son... Mom."   
  
Nodoka stood there with her mouth open for several minutes, torn between shock and longing. Finally, she rushed forward and embraced her long-lost son, basking in the joy of at long last holding him in her arms.   
  
"Ranma! Ranma is that really you?"  
  
"It's me, Mom." Ranma said with much emotion, as he returned her embrace.   
  
After a moment, Nodoka abruptly pushed him back and held him by the shoulders. "But you were Ranko? A girl! How is this possible?"  
  
Ranma self-consciously scratched the back of his head. "Kind of a long story. One of the places Pop took me to train was called Jyusenkyo, the Valley of the Cursed Springs of Sorrow. It's basically a bunch of little pools with poles sticking out of them. Trainees are meant to fight up on top of the poles and try not to get knocked in. Unfortunately, the magic of the springs changes whoever falls in into the form of whatever last drowned in it. I fell into Nyanniichuan, the Spring of Drowned Girl; and Pop fell into Shamaoniichuan, the Spring of Drowned Panda."  
  
A wide-eyed Nodoka felt her son over, as if making doubly sure his womanly breasts were in fact gone. "But... you change into a girl... and a panda? Wait! Mr. Panda is your father?"  
  
Ranma nodded sadly. "Yeah. Cold water changes a person into their cursed form, and hot water changes them back. That's why I was a girl when you first met me, because I fell into the canal."   
  
Nodoka was still confused. "But... are you a man or a woman?"  
  
Ranma resisted the urge to snap at his mother. "I'm a guy. The spring only alters the body. I'm still me inside, even when I'm a girl. That's the truth of it Mom, my mind and heart don't change. Still, you can sorta see why Pops was a bit reluctant to let you see me, what with that seppuku pledge and all."   
  
Nodoka frowned worriedly. "Well, yes. I suppose so. You say your heart doesn't change? So you don't find men attractive or desire to do feminine things?"  
  
Ranma made a face. "Eww! No way! I like girls, no question! And as for doing girly things, there's been times when I've had to dress to suit my gender, but I always wear guy's underwear underneath. The thought of wearing bras and panties just makes me ill."   
  
Nodoka actually chuckled at that. "Well that's something, at least. Ranma, I haven't really had much opportunity to get to know the real you, but I'd like to think that I wouldn't have held this curse against you if I hadn't already burned the contract. If your spirit remains that of a man, then the state of your body is less important."  
  
Ranma smiled. "Thanks Mom. It's nice to hear you say that."  
  
Nodoka tugged her lip. "Of course, calming me down long enough to convince me of that might have been difficult. At first glance, it appears my foolish husband has failed in his promise beyond anything I could have imagined, doesn't it?"  
  
Ranma swallowed nervously. "I... ah... no comment."  
  
Ukyou stepped forward. "Ranma is more than man enough for me. His curse doesn't change the man he is inside. I hate to throw this is your face yet again, but thanks to that stupid promise, you don't know him well enough to pass judgement on him. I, on the other hand, do. Ranma is the *man* that I want to marry. Take my word for it."  
  
Nodoka smiled. "With delight, daughter-in-law. With delight. Besides, I've abandoned the seppuku pledge, without regret, may I add. You will never have to fear I will ask for your life, my son." Nodoka said firmly as Ranma sighed with relief.  
  
Nodoka's expression darkened. "Now my lying furball of a husband, on the other hand..." She growled. "He and I are definitely going to have a few words regarding how he treated my baby during those 15 years. Honestly! What on Earth could have possessed him to take you to such a dangerous place as this... Jyusenkyo, was it?"   
  
Ukyou snorted. "That's nothing. You should tell her about the Nekoken training, Ranchan."  
  
Ranma shuddered. "I'd rather not."  
  
Nodoka blinked. "What is this 'cat-fist' training?"  
  
"It's the thing that would most convince any jury to throw him in jail forever, on charges of child abuse." Ukyou said grimly.   
  
Nodoka frowned and turned to her son. "Ranma?"  
  
The boy in question shuddered again and turned away. "I don't want to talk about it, not now not ever! If I even try to describe it, it's almost as bad as being back in the pit!"   
  
Nodoka looked worriedly at her distraught son. "Then would you allow Ukyou-chan to tell me about it? I wish to know every harm that Genma has brought you."  
  
Ukyou looked at her fiancé. "Well, Ranma?"  
  
Ranma glanced back and forth between the two. "Fine, but let me get out of earshot first. I'll go for a walk or something."  
  
Ukyou nodded. "I can handle things here by myself for a bit. Come back in a few minutes though, Ok sugar?"  
  
Ranma nodded unhappily as he vacated the restaurant.   
  
Nodoka watched him go as she sat down on a stool. Ukyou took her place behind the grill to whip up her mother-in-law something to eat.   
  
"It's so bad he can't even hear someone talk about it?" She asked in concern.   
  
"Not while maintaining his dignity, at least." Ukyou said grimly.  
  
"Tell me everything, Ukyou-chan." Nodoka said seriously.   
  
The chef nodded. "Alright. Let's get one thing straight. I don't say this to insult your family, or anything, but your husband is the biggest imbecile on the planet!"  
  
"Agreed." Nodoka said without blinking.   
  
"Right then. Now that we're both on the same page; as I heard it, he found this old book describing forbidden techniques of the Anything-Goes school. Naturally, he assumed that 'forbidden' just meant that they were really powerful; not to be attempted by less serious students, as opposed to say; forbidden for a damn good reason."  
  
"Naturally." Nodoka muttered.  
  
"So he flips to the page with the technique called the Nekoken, which increases the speed, power, and ferocity of a fighter many times over, not to mention Ranma can do this thing where he forms these invisible claws out of ki energy that can slice through steel. I'm not sure if that was actually described in the manual or just implied. I've never read the damn thing."  
  
"It sounds like a very impressive technique." Nodoka said guardedly.   
  
"Oh it is, in a way." Ukyou muttered sarcastically. "But wait until I tell you how to get a student to master it! First, you wrap the trainee up in fish-sausages..."  
  
***  
  
Ranma came back to the restaurant about ten minutes later, and was nearly bowled over as his mother came storming out the door in a rage.   
  
"Oh, hello dear. I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut this visit short. I have this urgent desire to see how closely I can shave a panda bear's fur with a katana, and I have to rush home to fetch it before I can try. Pity I never bothered to study kenjitsu. I suspect I may nick the unfortunate creature a few times in the attempt." She snapped, though her ire was obviously not directed towards her son.  
  
Ranma chuckled. "Just be sure to leave something for me. Bastard or not, he's the only thing I've had in the way of family for the last 15 years."  
  
"A mistake I fully intend to rectify, Ranma-dear. Do not fear. Death is to good for that one!" She snarled, marching off.   
  
"Try selling him to the zoo!" he called after her. "I find it very therapeutic every now and then!"  
  
He chuckled and returned to the restaurant.  
  
*** *** ***  
  
  
So that's how my son and I came to be reunited. As per my son's wishes, my worthless husband still lives, although he walks with a limp these days. You wouldn't believe how fast a man that overweight can run. I thought it best to make it easier on myself in the future. I'm sure you agree that it's not very dignified for a lady to run, not to mention rather difficult in a kimono.   
  
Sometime later, my son and daughter-in-law explained to me about the stress-induced schizophrenia caused largely by all the problems my husband made for him. I suspect that they gave me a somewhat edited version, but I respect them too much to ask for the unpleasant details. It is enough that I understand that there is no hope of joining the Saotome and Tendou schools in marriage, at least with the current generation. I've no doubt Ukyou-chan will soon be handing me my grandchild, and who can say what the future will hold?   
  
Up until that day in the restaurant, I've lived my life solely to maintain my family's honor, and now I live to maintain its happiness. Honor is better served when treated as a side effect of living a good life, rather than a means onto itself, or so I now believe. I live for my family, including my fool of a husband, who I have recently invited back into my house.   
  
What? You expected me to divorce the old fool? There were reasons I married him in the first place, you know. There are *some* things about him that can be considered commendable. 15 years is a long time to sleep in a cold bed alone, after all. Of course, it may please you to know that he slept on the back porch for over a month before being permitted to fulfill his marital obligations once more. Even I am not entirely forgiving of him.   
  
Well, I suppose that's the end to the story. Ranma and Ukyou are happily married, and will soon be off to enjoy their honeymoon in a small cottage by the beach down in Okinawa. With any luck, my dear daughter-in-law will be with child by the time they return. They've chosen to live, for the time being, in Ukyou-chan's restaurant. A quite suitable arrangement for now, though Ranma hardly intends to spend the rest of his life waiting tables.   
  
When he reaches the age of adulthood, that being 20, he stands to inherit quite a sizable sum from my father. My family is quite the business giant, as a matter of fact. Though to keep the money safe from my husband's irresponsible hands, my son had to be named the primary beneficiary, rather than myself. With that much money backing him, Ranma will have no trouble securing land and building a traditional dojo even finer than the Tendou's, though of course lacking in the illustrious history of that site. With the reputation he has built as the best fighter in all Nerima, if not Japan, I suspect Ranma's dojo will be quite successful.   
  
My son is happy, and will be happy in the future.  
  
What more can a mother ask?  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
And so ends the fourth and final chapter of Me, Myself & Ukyou. Quite a decent piece of work if I do so say so myself. Nabiki's comeuppance was my personal favorite. It was probably the most artful revenge of all of them, and definitely the most poetically justified.  
  
Let me see if I can answer any questions regarding Ranma's condition, and the blow up on his mother.  
  
Ranma had begun taking his medication, but it had not yet taken full effect. What resulted was a sort of blend between the 'normal' personality that couldn't stand up for himself, and the 'evil' personality bent on getting his own back. What we get then, is a 'normal' Ranma who wants to stand up for himself, even if he can barely stomach it. Finding that balance was what effectively cured him, even more so than the medication that he still takes regularly, and will for a couple years yet until he and his therapist are certain that his life has calmed down enough that he won't relapse.   
  
And for anyone else who thought that Ranma was too OOC (out of character) in this chapter, what with all the crying and that:  
Please keep in mind that Ranma's self-confidence had been taking one vicious blow after another, (first from his emasculating treatment from those around him, tomboys in particular, and then from the actions of his vengeful self) leaving him in effect a shattered version of his former, egotistical self.   
  
Even if you don't agree with any of that, at least you know I thought it through, right?  
  
Thanks very much for reading. I'll now turn my attention to getting a job (note to other authors: putting "real life" on hold to write a story is baaaaad!) and perhaps later with continuing Ultimate betrayal, or one of the other little projects sitting around here in my hard drive.  
  
Ja na!  
  
-Ron Hino   
  
  
WAAAAAIIIT!  
  
Bonus scene!   
  
***  
  
Sasuke sat alone on the rooftop of the Kunou estate, rubbing his head in frustration. Several months ago, something had happened between the young master and mistress. Usually, they fought like cats and dogs, constantly competing with each other over the silliest things as they had since they were young enough for it to be forgivable.   
  
  
Now that had changed. Tatewaki and Kodachi were getting along quite well, even being rather nice to each other. They had also abandoned their respective quests for Akane Tendou and the various bodies of Ranma Saotome. More good news, right?   
  
At first, Sasuke had assumed that they had seen the futility of their one-sided suits, and found a form of companionship in sharing their grief, growing closer as a brother and sister should as they matured. But if that were true, then how come he never saw any of this supposed grieving? They usually talked with him (or more accurately, at him) about their problems. They were also spending a considerable amount of time together, enjoying their cultured hobbies, such as poetry and painting, which they were surprised to discover they shared an interest in. They even considering taking up complimentary musical instruments, so they could play together. They trained together as well, but without the spite or viciousness of their previous squabbles.   
  
Came the day the curious ninja decided to watch them more closely to determine what had caused this amazing change in their relationship. He was watching from the shadows late one night as Kodachi slipped silently from her room and tiptoed down the hall to her brother's. She did not come out until the early morning. The next night, it was Tatewaki who crept silently into his sister's bedchambers. This time, Sasuke slipped into the crawlspace above the ceiling and made his way above his mistress' room. Normally, he wouldn't dare to spy on his charges in the privacy of their own chambers, but his curiosity had gotten the better of him.   
  
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but the little ninja suffered only a medium-sized heart attack at the sight that greeted him beneath the ceiling panel.   
  
Sweet mother of all the gods of Japan! The master and mistress were sleeping with each other, and not in the innocent sense of the expression! In fact, there was very little that could be considered 'innocent' about the black leather dominatrix outfit the 'Mistress' wore, or the handcuffs and ball-gag that the master willingly donned.   
  
Sasuke managed to lower the panel silently before he went blind.   
  
  
Now, the loyal ninja sat upon the roof, pondering what he should do. On the one hand, the former master of the house, Lord Kunou (come to think of it, what was that crazy principal's given name anyway? Sasuke had only ever been told to call him 'Master' or 'Lord Kunou') had left him in charge of his children's upbringing, and he certainly wouldn't have approved of this! On the other hand, Tatewaki was the oldest male Kunou in residence, and thus Master o'er the house and all who served it. Another factor was that his two charges were now 18 and 19 respectively, and the law of Japan only recognized statutory rape in girls below the age of 13 (which was more like pedophilia, in Sasuke's opinion, but that was still the law). The two Kunou siblings were arguably old enough to decide such things for themselves, and all Sasuke could do about it was ensure that news of this never touched the ears of anyone outside the family...  
  
...Which would far easier if the mistress were not such a screamer. Sasuke shuddered. At least the property was large and the outer walls thick and high. Hopefully the sound wouldn't carry.  
  
Yes, keeping their indiscretion discreet was the little ninja's duty, and that was all there was to it. Perhaps this was some sort of strange blessing in disguise. The house was much more peaceful now.   
  
Ah well... the wealthy were always eccentric in one way or another, and a servant's duty was only to serve, after all.  
  
Sasuke sighed once more, feeling slightly better now that he had sorted out his thoughts, and went back inside to find his own sleeping mat.  
  
***  
  
THE END  
(for real this time ^_^)  
  
Ja na! 


End file.
